It seems like a very appropriate time to write about a favorite topic of mine. Its a topic I understand well, and its one which affects most of us. Busy-ness... I wrote a song about a year ago called Slow Down. Here are the words:
Slow down, slow down
no need for sound
endure some silence
slow down, slow down
Forever chaos, frenzy, day-loss
No sleep, speed freak
You never see light
You've only half-life
Your work is your wife
Your solution. - noise polution
"busy" hides a broken man
"busy" fakes you
overtakes you
playing "catch me if you can"
Slow down, slow down
no need for sound
endure some silence
slow down, slow down
There are many busy people in this world, including me, or at least thats what I often tell people. But is it true? We use the word "busy" as an excuse for our laziness, or our failure to discipline ourselves. We say "I've just been so busy" or if asked how is work we might say "It's so busy right now". In some cases its true, we are busy but I'm certian that most of us like to give the impression that we are busier than we are. It is after all a failsafe excuse for many things.
I know I'm guilty of this, and if you can see this in yourself too, I dare you to read on.
Have you ever stopped to asked yourself why you're so busy? Or rather, why you allow yourself to be so busy. We know that its not good to be so busy that we don't socialise, that we don't see family or friends or that life passes us by before we realise that we forgot to actually enjoy it! Yet, for some reason we allow ourselves to succumb to business. Funny isn't it, the word "business" could be taken as a very negative word. And I actually think it should be. The business world - all the people on this planet who allow their work to control their lives. A businessman - a man so busy with business that he seldom sees his kids. Of course I'm talking extremes here, but you get my point I hope, the subtext here is that making money is given higher priority than the things we really should be valuing.
Busy hides a broken man. When faced with troubles we often try to stay busy so that we avoid thinking about the problems. While this works as a temporary solution, in fact it does nothing but delay actually dealing with problems, be they emotional, material, spiritual, physical - whatever. This busy-ness can easily become a habitual method of getting by. As long as you stay busy, keep focussed, stay driven, you'll be alright. If however, the music stops for one moment, the whole world comes crashing down.
The music does inevitably stop...
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Back to basics
I'm rediscovering the joys of letter-writing. Yep, that's right, not emails nor blogs nor Facebook. I mean real letters, and I have to say its liberating. Whilst the digital age has given us so much in terms of speed we have lost the nuances and beauty that only seem to come when putting a pen to paper. It's hard to explain, but there's more of a sense when writing that you're actually speaking to the other person. Like you can almost hear the other person's voice as you imagine them reading it. There's also a more personal element in that the writing is created by your own hand, it has its own unique fingerprint to it that makes it from you and only you. Email's just don't cut it in that sense. They all come in a pretty much standardised font, and as a result are a little impersonal - purely informational, not soulful. The other day someone asked if St. Paul (I prefer to refer to him as the apostle Paul, since as believers in Christ we are all saints) were alive today, what method would he use to communicate with the churches? I'd like to think he'd still write letters. The things he wrote were so important, so foundational to the church that I'd say they would need to be on paper still. There's something so much more deliberate about everything you say when its in letter form and written with your own hand. It becomes set in stone, you know that as you are writing, and you write accordingly.
I listened recently to a rare interview with Morrisey (formerly of rock band The Smiths). He's a very intelligent man, and he predicted a time when people would begin to lose heart with the digital age, when they would realise the isolation caused in its attempt to bring the world together, when people's yearning for real human contact and social interaction would become so strong as to cause a rejection of, or a rebellion against the virtual world. I can sympathise with this totally. I work in IT, I'm with computers all day, that's my job. Yet a large part of me is longing to go do something with my hands, away from technology, to live a real life, a simple life. Technology has brought us so much freedom, but at the same time I think it enslaves us....
I listened recently to a rare interview with Morrisey (formerly of rock band The Smiths). He's a very intelligent man, and he predicted a time when people would begin to lose heart with the digital age, when they would realise the isolation caused in its attempt to bring the world together, when people's yearning for real human contact and social interaction would become so strong as to cause a rejection of, or a rebellion against the virtual world. I can sympathise with this totally. I work in IT, I'm with computers all day, that's my job. Yet a large part of me is longing to go do something with my hands, away from technology, to live a real life, a simple life. Technology has brought us so much freedom, but at the same time I think it enslaves us....
Saturday, September 19, 2009
A moment of weakness
I showed weakness, hid it fast
lest someone see a heart of glass
lest someone see the real me
for if they see, might come to pass
that they would see broken glass
I pride myself in being strong
in being right not being wrong
but being right is stubbornness
and being right gives no repair
of brokenness, of soul's despair
show your weakness - show it fast!
that all will see your broken glass
that all will see the real real you
and you will see what comes to pass
is heart no longer broken glass
© 2009 wearyourheartout
lest someone see a heart of glass
lest someone see the real me
for if they see, might come to pass
that they would see broken glass
I pride myself in being strong
in being right not being wrong
but being right is stubbornness
and being right gives no repair
of brokenness, of soul's despair
show your weakness - show it fast!
that all will see your broken glass
that all will see the real real you
and you will see what comes to pass
is heart no longer broken glass
© 2009 wearyourheartout
Friday, September 18, 2009
What? more money ?!
I would have named this post "Money, money, money" but thats what the last one was called, so this is the best I could do. Sorry.
Point is that I dunno whats going on exactly, but suddenly the floodgates seem to have opened on my finances. A few months ago I helped my old pastor in UK to setup his new website. The site is a free resource for teaching materials for home/cell groups. It's good stuff. We didn't agree any price for my work, and I would have happily done it for free, but at the end he said he wanted to give me a gift for my efforts. I was kinda hoping I would get the money before my trip, as it would have gone toward the tickets, but the money didn't materialise which left me owing someone else for the tickets.
I had a figure in my head of £500 which is really a lot of money for the amount of work which I did - I guess I was just thinking that would be a nice sum. I was also adamant that i wouldn't contact him to ask about the money as its a gift, and I just didn't feel right about it. Yet today I came so close to catching him on Skype to ask. I resisted though, and so I'm glad because just a few hours later I received an email fom him, telling me that he's gonna send me £250 in the next week or so, then another £250 next month. That makes £500! God is just too awesome!
So I'll have a lot of money to pay back loans (as mentioned previously), but I also intend to invest a small amount in my music. My band has been waiting to get a bunch of our songs up on iTunes, but to do that I needed money in my UK account. It costs $10 per song (through an internet based organisation) and we have about three songs which we would want to add right away. The organisation takes no cut of the sales, you pay the $10 fee and thats it, any sales you make are 100% yours, and we only need to sell about 10 copies of each song to make back our money. We feel this is an essential step if we are to get a wider audience for our songs, and for the first time it really opens us up to the big wide world, and who knows what can happen with that...?
When the songs are up, I'll let everyone know - don't doubt that! And I expect you all to buy them... :P
My efforts to save some money also began today with a visit to "Menu" cafe for lunch with V, instead of my regular place. She works about 10 mins walk from where I work, and it made a nice change to lunch with someone. Seems we're both on the same quest to find good cheap places to eat in the city centre. And like me she's trusting God for finances big time, and seeing him do some amazing stuff! Its so cool. So we're gonna go try another place next week I guess.
Tomorow I'll be making the call to get my cable package changed to internet only. Then I can get rid of the TV. I've mentioned this to a few other people (V included), and they're considering doing the same! Very exciting times!
Point is that I dunno whats going on exactly, but suddenly the floodgates seem to have opened on my finances. A few months ago I helped my old pastor in UK to setup his new website. The site is a free resource for teaching materials for home/cell groups. It's good stuff. We didn't agree any price for my work, and I would have happily done it for free, but at the end he said he wanted to give me a gift for my efforts. I was kinda hoping I would get the money before my trip, as it would have gone toward the tickets, but the money didn't materialise which left me owing someone else for the tickets.
I had a figure in my head of £500 which is really a lot of money for the amount of work which I did - I guess I was just thinking that would be a nice sum. I was also adamant that i wouldn't contact him to ask about the money as its a gift, and I just didn't feel right about it. Yet today I came so close to catching him on Skype to ask. I resisted though, and so I'm glad because just a few hours later I received an email fom him, telling me that he's gonna send me £250 in the next week or so, then another £250 next month. That makes £500! God is just too awesome!
So I'll have a lot of money to pay back loans (as mentioned previously), but I also intend to invest a small amount in my music. My band has been waiting to get a bunch of our songs up on iTunes, but to do that I needed money in my UK account. It costs $10 per song (through an internet based organisation) and we have about three songs which we would want to add right away. The organisation takes no cut of the sales, you pay the $10 fee and thats it, any sales you make are 100% yours, and we only need to sell about 10 copies of each song to make back our money. We feel this is an essential step if we are to get a wider audience for our songs, and for the first time it really opens us up to the big wide world, and who knows what can happen with that...?
When the songs are up, I'll let everyone know - don't doubt that! And I expect you all to buy them... :P
My efforts to save some money also began today with a visit to "Menu" cafe for lunch with V, instead of my regular place. She works about 10 mins walk from where I work, and it made a nice change to lunch with someone. Seems we're both on the same quest to find good cheap places to eat in the city centre. And like me she's trusting God for finances big time, and seeing him do some amazing stuff! Its so cool. So we're gonna go try another place next week I guess.
Tomorow I'll be making the call to get my cable package changed to internet only. Then I can get rid of the TV. I've mentioned this to a few other people (V included), and they're considering doing the same! Very exciting times!
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Money, money, money
The other day, I was praying about my finances.
My monthly income / outgoings look like this:
Total income after tax and social security:
13663 EEK (Estonian Kroons)
Monthly outgoings:
-5290,59 Mortgage
- 238,00 Home improvement loan
-1600,00 Tithe
- 411,90 Electricity
-1 086,73 Apartment community fund
- 550,00 Internet and Cable TV
Total remaining:
4485,78
Out of the remaining must come the following:
Fuel (usually around 1000 since i get an additional 1000 fuel allowance from work)
Car repairs
Car insurance (every 6 months abround 1000)
Food
Houshold goods
Clothes
My phone is paid out of my company account, so thats why its not listed. I have some outstanding bills which need to be paid, and I need to also pay some friends back money they have loaned me. I must make it clear that I'm not in the habit of asking for loans. These loans were offered to me without asking.
As you can see, money is tight.
The occasional windfall goes a long way, and it seems my prayers are being answered. I discovered today that I received royalty payments for some of my songs a few days back totalling over 1200 after tax. As i mentioned in my previous blog, I was owed money by someone and today the payment of 160 Euros arrived in my paypal account. I'll lose a lot of that in transfer and conversion fees, but its still over 2300 EEK.
I know a lot of people would frown at me putting all my finances on the web for the world to see, but I don't care really, and i don't know why others care so much or are so afraid to talk about money (unless they know they're wasting money on trash, and don't want people to know). It's normal for me to be open even about that kind of stuff too. I have nothing to hide...
So anyway things are looking up, but I'm also looking at ways to cut costs, and get my finances into better shape. Finances are not something I've ever been good at particularly, but then I can't say I try very hard.
Time to start.
My monthly income / outgoings look like this:
Total income after tax and social security:
13663 EEK (Estonian Kroons)
Monthly outgoings:
-5290,59 Mortgage
- 238,00 Home improvement loan
-1600,00 Tithe
- 411,90 Electricity
-1 086,73 Apartment community fund
- 550,00 Internet and Cable TV
Total remaining:
4485,78
Out of the remaining must come the following:
Fuel (usually around 1000 since i get an additional 1000 fuel allowance from work)
Car repairs
Car insurance (every 6 months abround 1000)
Food
Houshold goods
Clothes
My phone is paid out of my company account, so thats why its not listed. I have some outstanding bills which need to be paid, and I need to also pay some friends back money they have loaned me. I must make it clear that I'm not in the habit of asking for loans. These loans were offered to me without asking.
As you can see, money is tight.
The occasional windfall goes a long way, and it seems my prayers are being answered. I discovered today that I received royalty payments for some of my songs a few days back totalling over 1200 after tax. As i mentioned in my previous blog, I was owed money by someone and today the payment of 160 Euros arrived in my paypal account. I'll lose a lot of that in transfer and conversion fees, but its still over 2300 EEK.
I know a lot of people would frown at me putting all my finances on the web for the world to see, but I don't care really, and i don't know why others care so much or are so afraid to talk about money (unless they know they're wasting money on trash, and don't want people to know). It's normal for me to be open even about that kind of stuff too. I have nothing to hide...
So anyway things are looking up, but I'm also looking at ways to cut costs, and get my finances into better shape. Finances are not something I've ever been good at particularly, but then I can't say I try very hard.
Time to start.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Defiance (Ghosts part 5)
Since my last post, I'm having some moments of clarity.
I was in bed, and settling to read a book. I began to ponder my last blog and all that it contained, and as I did so, I believe that God began to speak. The story of Jonah came to me, and his instruction by God to go to Ninevah. A few days ago I was reminded of the same scriptures, and at that time I thought it was just my own thoughts. Today though was different. Of course its easy in the context of all that's happening in my life to not hear clearly, yet being reminded of this story helps me to understand the sense of injustice I feel, and the way in which everything just isn't adding up. I feel like one of the merchants in the ship which is being tossed around in the storm. A storm caused by Jonah's actions and his running away from God's command. The entire Jonah story has given me a lot of insight and ammunition for prayer.
So regarding my defiance, its all about my "ghosts" - those little reminders of her in my everyday life. On Saturday, she suggested we both get rid of them all, purge ourselves of things which may remind us of one another. Please bear in mind that we both still love each other. At the time I agreed to this new purge. Now however, I have decided not to follow through. I believe with my whole heart that this break-up is not final. It's called Faith (Hebrews 11) and I have it exactly like it says in Hebrews 11.1. I'm sure, sure as the sun sets and will rise again in the morning. I will appreciate these things one day, we both will. But that doesn't mean this is easier when you have faith, in fact I'd argue its harder. It's tested 24/7, and you long to see the end result of that faith, you're tempted to try to make it happen out of frustration and impatience.
In many ways purging yourself of those ghosts is an easy way out. Out of sight - out of mind. At least that's the theory, but when you love someone no amount of purging will help. No-one said this was meant to be easy, and it certainly isn't, but I don't feel right about purging myself of these things as I'm fairly certain I would live to regret it. Sure we will make new memories, and there will be new things, but these old things will be extra precious. A reminder that perseverance pays off. Sadly, one or two of the ghosts have been exorcised already, but it stops here. No more.
Something else happened today, which is a clear sign of something to me. Largely it indicates how much my heart has changed in the last few months. When I first moved to Estonia almost exactly five years ago, I dated a girl named Janika. She was incredibly beautiful, and I became totally taken with her. At that time I was away from God, in just about every possible way the loneliness of being in a foreign country and being alone most of the time, gave me an unquenchable thirst for companionship at any cost. I was addicted to her, and addicted to sex with her. We stopped seeing one-another after about six months, and I was in a mess. That mess took me back to God, and my life began to turn around. Yet, until this summer there wasn't a day that passed without me thinking about her, even though I had had other girlfriends during that time. Sometimes I would still long for her. Since we broke up I saw her only once at a distance about a year and a half ago, and as I watched her drive by still I experienced a sinking feeling, which stayed with me for a few days. Ever day I have to drive to work past her office, and every day I half hoped I would see her.
I remember a few months back while xxxx was here, that as I drove past Janika's workplace with xxxx in my passenger seat, it suddenly dawned on me that I had stopped looking, stopped hoping to see her. I even told xxxx all about that. She knew much of the Janika story already since it was after that when I came back to God and began attending her church.
This afternoon though, I saw Janika again as I was stuck in traffic, and she walked by facing in my direction on the pavement just to the right of my car. She was incredibly pretty, just as I remember, and she was smiling. She didn't see me I think. I had a half open window and I almost called out her name instinctively, like you do when you see someone you know. But I didn't. I didn't want to, nor need to. In fact as she walked by I felt nothing at all. This is a milestone. It indicates that this particular healing process is finally complete. Something i could have never been certain of until the moment I saw her again, and something which wouldn't have happened without xxxx. It felt good, very good.
I got a good deal on some tyres for my car - i think another 100 metres and I would have been driving on rims! One wheel is also out of shape, and that will be replaced tomorrow. I'm peaved at having to spend money, but I'm pleased with the results.
I got an email today from a customer who has owed me money for about a year. He's finally going to pay me tomorrow too!
All in all today has been a great day in stark contrast to yesterday, though the things I posted yesterday I still stand by.
I was in bed, and settling to read a book. I began to ponder my last blog and all that it contained, and as I did so, I believe that God began to speak. The story of Jonah came to me, and his instruction by God to go to Ninevah. A few days ago I was reminded of the same scriptures, and at that time I thought it was just my own thoughts. Today though was different. Of course its easy in the context of all that's happening in my life to not hear clearly, yet being reminded of this story helps me to understand the sense of injustice I feel, and the way in which everything just isn't adding up. I feel like one of the merchants in the ship which is being tossed around in the storm. A storm caused by Jonah's actions and his running away from God's command. The entire Jonah story has given me a lot of insight and ammunition for prayer.
So regarding my defiance, its all about my "ghosts" - those little reminders of her in my everyday life. On Saturday, she suggested we both get rid of them all, purge ourselves of things which may remind us of one another. Please bear in mind that we both still love each other. At the time I agreed to this new purge. Now however, I have decided not to follow through. I believe with my whole heart that this break-up is not final. It's called Faith (Hebrews 11) and I have it exactly like it says in Hebrews 11.1. I'm sure, sure as the sun sets and will rise again in the morning. I will appreciate these things one day, we both will. But that doesn't mean this is easier when you have faith, in fact I'd argue its harder. It's tested 24/7, and you long to see the end result of that faith, you're tempted to try to make it happen out of frustration and impatience.
In many ways purging yourself of those ghosts is an easy way out. Out of sight - out of mind. At least that's the theory, but when you love someone no amount of purging will help. No-one said this was meant to be easy, and it certainly isn't, but I don't feel right about purging myself of these things as I'm fairly certain I would live to regret it. Sure we will make new memories, and there will be new things, but these old things will be extra precious. A reminder that perseverance pays off. Sadly, one or two of the ghosts have been exorcised already, but it stops here. No more.
Something else happened today, which is a clear sign of something to me. Largely it indicates how much my heart has changed in the last few months. When I first moved to Estonia almost exactly five years ago, I dated a girl named Janika. She was incredibly beautiful, and I became totally taken with her. At that time I was away from God, in just about every possible way the loneliness of being in a foreign country and being alone most of the time, gave me an unquenchable thirst for companionship at any cost. I was addicted to her, and addicted to sex with her. We stopped seeing one-another after about six months, and I was in a mess. That mess took me back to God, and my life began to turn around. Yet, until this summer there wasn't a day that passed without me thinking about her, even though I had had other girlfriends during that time. Sometimes I would still long for her. Since we broke up I saw her only once at a distance about a year and a half ago, and as I watched her drive by still I experienced a sinking feeling, which stayed with me for a few days. Ever day I have to drive to work past her office, and every day I half hoped I would see her.
I remember a few months back while xxxx was here, that as I drove past Janika's workplace with xxxx in my passenger seat, it suddenly dawned on me that I had stopped looking, stopped hoping to see her. I even told xxxx all about that. She knew much of the Janika story already since it was after that when I came back to God and began attending her church.
This afternoon though, I saw Janika again as I was stuck in traffic, and she walked by facing in my direction on the pavement just to the right of my car. She was incredibly pretty, just as I remember, and she was smiling. She didn't see me I think. I had a half open window and I almost called out her name instinctively, like you do when you see someone you know. But I didn't. I didn't want to, nor need to. In fact as she walked by I felt nothing at all. This is a milestone. It indicates that this particular healing process is finally complete. Something i could have never been certain of until the moment I saw her again, and something which wouldn't have happened without xxxx. It felt good, very good.
I got a good deal on some tyres for my car - i think another 100 metres and I would have been driving on rims! One wheel is also out of shape, and that will be replaced tomorrow. I'm peaved at having to spend money, but I'm pleased with the results.
I got an email today from a customer who has owed me money for about a year. He's finally going to pay me tomorrow too!
All in all today has been a great day in stark contrast to yesterday, though the things I posted yesterday I still stand by.
Philosophical?
Yesterday I was all philosphical about this new state of "incommunicado".
Today I'm anything but philosophical. Today I'm fighting against injustice. Today I'm crying "Foul!"
We can't do this. We shouldn't be doing this. It's nonsense, and I should never have agreed to it.
I feel a deep sense of injustice that I'm at the mercy of an idea, and an ideal which I am (still) convinced is not born of God. I'm not sure what it is born of. Fear? Insecurity? Driveness? Striving? Selfishness? Controlling? Lack of self control? Independence? Maybe all of them, and none of those things are Godly in my bible.
Yet I let it happen to me, to us. Where is my courage? My boldness? My manliness?
That "idea" has been beating me up emotionally for 1 month. And I still remain unconvinced that there is solid justification for any of this. It began on my trip and it continues now.
I just took a read back through my prayer diary from July, and during that time I had a dream:
"This morning (just a few mins ago) i awoke having had a strange, almost nonsensical dream, which in places was quite disturbing, but I remained open to the possibility that God wanted to say something to me through the dream (I still don't understand the dream fully). There were like two separate scenes, In the first, I witnessed a cruel fight between 2 stray cats - in the fight one cat had maimed the other, so he was already limping and bloody, the injured cat seemed torn between continuing the fight and leaving it. Due to this hesitation, the other cat was now able to get his claws into the skin of the injured cat some more, and ripped some skin fully away from his body. Gross! Finally, beaten, the injured cat returned to his "home" (an old car) to lick his wounds."
Now when I read it I understand it fully and it seems to be exactly what happened!
The two stray cats are her and I. What i haven't mentioned at all in my blog before was the fact that during my trip to visit her I was so badly hurt by her that I seriously considered changing my tickets and coming home about a week early. Instead though I stuck it out (the cat hesitated), and ended up getting hurt even more. I was so beaten, and here I am now back home and still several weeks later licking my wounds. The more I think about this and analyse it the more things I begin to see. Cats are territorial, and thats usually the reason for such fights, and I'm beginning to think that my being there became a threat to her territory... it would explain a lot.
So what happened to the second scene? To be honest until i read this again, I had completely forgotten the second part of the dream. I discarded it as irrelevant at the time. But now I remember it, and its so relevant! In scene two, there is no longer a cat in the car. The same car is still there but it's me who is inside the car, destitute in dirty clothes like a tramp (bum) and scrabbling around in the area where the back seat should be trying to make some kind of bed for myself, to get comfortable. Another thing I haven't mentioned at all is where this was. Its some kind of junkyard and there was something very American about it all, even down to the clothes I was wearing and this old car that I was making a bed in - Some kind of old classic open-top american car from the 40's or 50's. This is all so very spooky...
Oh for the wisdom of Daniel to interpret dreams before they happen...
Before God my heart is pure, yet I feel like I am being severely punished. That's not the God that I know! Am i taking the hit for someone else's sins? Is that what it means to be more like Jesus? My bible says that Jesus has taken the beating for us, that his blood was shed to cover our sin.
This "idea" was supposed to allow us to hear God's voice. Yet I still don't hear Him saying that this "idea" is his. I heard Him very clearly back in July, and this isn't what he said. He said her name in very large letters twice. He said "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another". I didn't hear him say "iron sharpens iron, but please stop you might cut yourself!". He said we have a choice. We chose one another. How can we sharpen one another like this?
"Why, O LORD, do you stand far off?
Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?"
Psalm 10:1
People on the other hand are not hiding nor standing off, yet strangely its not other Christians who are taking the initiative to offer me any comfort or a listening ear. It's old school friends and work colleagues who have no idea whats going on apart from small clues they pick up in FB. How can that be? Does God really have to show me his love through people who don't even know him??? Have we "Christians", with our modern lifestyles and weird ideas of what the church is meant to be, become so wrapped up in our world that non-christians have to do our job?
I may have come home maimed and bleeding, licking my wounds, but I told her before that I would fight for her, and fight I will.
Today I'm anything but philosophical. Today I'm fighting against injustice. Today I'm crying "Foul!"
We can't do this. We shouldn't be doing this. It's nonsense, and I should never have agreed to it.
I feel a deep sense of injustice that I'm at the mercy of an idea, and an ideal which I am (still) convinced is not born of God. I'm not sure what it is born of. Fear? Insecurity? Driveness? Striving? Selfishness? Controlling? Lack of self control? Independence? Maybe all of them, and none of those things are Godly in my bible.
Yet I let it happen to me, to us. Where is my courage? My boldness? My manliness?
That "idea" has been beating me up emotionally for 1 month. And I still remain unconvinced that there is solid justification for any of this. It began on my trip and it continues now.
I just took a read back through my prayer diary from July, and during that time I had a dream:
"This morning (just a few mins ago) i awoke having had a strange, almost nonsensical dream, which in places was quite disturbing, but I remained open to the possibility that God wanted to say something to me through the dream (I still don't understand the dream fully). There were like two separate scenes, In the first, I witnessed a cruel fight between 2 stray cats - in the fight one cat had maimed the other, so he was already limping and bloody, the injured cat seemed torn between continuing the fight and leaving it. Due to this hesitation, the other cat was now able to get his claws into the skin of the injured cat some more, and ripped some skin fully away from his body. Gross! Finally, beaten, the injured cat returned to his "home" (an old car) to lick his wounds."
Now when I read it I understand it fully and it seems to be exactly what happened!
The two stray cats are her and I. What i haven't mentioned at all in my blog before was the fact that during my trip to visit her I was so badly hurt by her that I seriously considered changing my tickets and coming home about a week early. Instead though I stuck it out (the cat hesitated), and ended up getting hurt even more. I was so beaten, and here I am now back home and still several weeks later licking my wounds. The more I think about this and analyse it the more things I begin to see. Cats are territorial, and thats usually the reason for such fights, and I'm beginning to think that my being there became a threat to her territory... it would explain a lot.
So what happened to the second scene? To be honest until i read this again, I had completely forgotten the second part of the dream. I discarded it as irrelevant at the time. But now I remember it, and its so relevant! In scene two, there is no longer a cat in the car. The same car is still there but it's me who is inside the car, destitute in dirty clothes like a tramp (bum) and scrabbling around in the area where the back seat should be trying to make some kind of bed for myself, to get comfortable. Another thing I haven't mentioned at all is where this was. Its some kind of junkyard and there was something very American about it all, even down to the clothes I was wearing and this old car that I was making a bed in - Some kind of old classic open-top american car from the 40's or 50's. This is all so very spooky...
Oh for the wisdom of Daniel to interpret dreams before they happen...
Before God my heart is pure, yet I feel like I am being severely punished. That's not the God that I know! Am i taking the hit for someone else's sins? Is that what it means to be more like Jesus? My bible says that Jesus has taken the beating for us, that his blood was shed to cover our sin.
This "idea" was supposed to allow us to hear God's voice. Yet I still don't hear Him saying that this "idea" is his. I heard Him very clearly back in July, and this isn't what he said. He said her name in very large letters twice. He said "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another". I didn't hear him say "iron sharpens iron, but please stop you might cut yourself!". He said we have a choice. We chose one another. How can we sharpen one another like this?
"Why, O LORD, do you stand far off?
Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?"
Psalm 10:1
People on the other hand are not hiding nor standing off, yet strangely its not other Christians who are taking the initiative to offer me any comfort or a listening ear. It's old school friends and work colleagues who have no idea whats going on apart from small clues they pick up in FB. How can that be? Does God really have to show me his love through people who don't even know him??? Have we "Christians", with our modern lifestyles and weird ideas of what the church is meant to be, become so wrapped up in our world that non-christians have to do our job?
I may have come home maimed and bleeding, licking my wounds, but I told her before that I would fight for her, and fight I will.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Over and out (Ghosts Part 4)
Today will go down as one of the most surreal days of my entire life.
Severing communications with someone so dear to you is SO HARD! It was a mutual arrangement and neither of us wanted to do it, but we both knew we had to. One final hour long skype call, and here we are. Deleted one another from friends lists in Facebook and Orkut, deleted all those precious text messages that I had saved on my phone. The 'ghosts' (mentioned in previous blogs) which had become my friends will be given up, some thrown away, some passed on to others, but none will be kept as reminders (Phone numbers and addresses have been kept only in case of an emergency).
Why on earth would anyone in their right mind do this?
Its a question thats been on my mind for over a week since we began discussing it, and I had been struggling to find the answer. These are usually the actions of those who hate one another. Yet we feel quite the opposite for one another.
But actually the answer is actually pretty simple. We want to hear God again...
I had 7 days of pure clarity in hearing God, and that was during 7 days of zero contact between us a couple of months ago. Those seven days were the longest 7 days ever, as being out of contact with one another was just so hard. But God also spoke to me more than I have known in my entire life until that point. That week changed me totally!
Since then however, and more specifically since returning from my trip I have not heard from God at all really, and spending time with him has been a struggle. I have done sporadically, but its not been consistent like it had been in the few months before. My thoughts almost 24/7 have been consumed by one person, and that person was not God. That's not how it should be, and the fact that we are apart geographically and will have to be for so long anyway means that such a situation is just not sustainable for an indefinite period of time.
So... what are we doing? We're giving each other up in favour of God. At the same time we are entrusting one another into God's hands. If i think about that for a moment, I just entrusted to God THE most precious thing I had! Its incredibly scary, but we have to learn to trust God to that level. Nothing is acheived without sacrifice of some sort, and for us the sacrifice had to be one another.
Sting sang "If you love someone, set them free". Though I don't particularly like the song, those words suddenly mean so much.
I'll leave you with a few words of my own though. I wrote these lyrics around this time last year and at the time they were not about any specific situation, but now, one year later they are most poignant. I am noticing more and more how God uses lyrics which I have written, to minister to me. It happens too often for it to be coincedence.
If You say so
If You say, say its true
I believe You
and You can beat me black and blue
and I won't leave You
If You say it's time to go, let's go
If You say it's so, it's so
If You say, say it's so
If I give, give it all
What would You do?
Would You give it back to me
though You don't have to?
Would You listen to my words?
Would You?
Would You make it so it's so?
Would You make it, make it so?
© 2008 wearyourheartout
Severing communications with someone so dear to you is SO HARD! It was a mutual arrangement and neither of us wanted to do it, but we both knew we had to. One final hour long skype call, and here we are. Deleted one another from friends lists in Facebook and Orkut, deleted all those precious text messages that I had saved on my phone. The 'ghosts' (mentioned in previous blogs) which had become my friends will be given up, some thrown away, some passed on to others, but none will be kept as reminders (Phone numbers and addresses have been kept only in case of an emergency).
Why on earth would anyone in their right mind do this?
Its a question thats been on my mind for over a week since we began discussing it, and I had been struggling to find the answer. These are usually the actions of those who hate one another. Yet we feel quite the opposite for one another.
But actually the answer is actually pretty simple. We want to hear God again...
I had 7 days of pure clarity in hearing God, and that was during 7 days of zero contact between us a couple of months ago. Those seven days were the longest 7 days ever, as being out of contact with one another was just so hard. But God also spoke to me more than I have known in my entire life until that point. That week changed me totally!
Since then however, and more specifically since returning from my trip I have not heard from God at all really, and spending time with him has been a struggle. I have done sporadically, but its not been consistent like it had been in the few months before. My thoughts almost 24/7 have been consumed by one person, and that person was not God. That's not how it should be, and the fact that we are apart geographically and will have to be for so long anyway means that such a situation is just not sustainable for an indefinite period of time.
So... what are we doing? We're giving each other up in favour of God. At the same time we are entrusting one another into God's hands. If i think about that for a moment, I just entrusted to God THE most precious thing I had! Its incredibly scary, but we have to learn to trust God to that level. Nothing is acheived without sacrifice of some sort, and for us the sacrifice had to be one another.
Sting sang "If you love someone, set them free". Though I don't particularly like the song, those words suddenly mean so much.
I'll leave you with a few words of my own though. I wrote these lyrics around this time last year and at the time they were not about any specific situation, but now, one year later they are most poignant. I am noticing more and more how God uses lyrics which I have written, to minister to me. It happens too often for it to be coincedence.
If You say so
If You say, say its true
I believe You
and You can beat me black and blue
and I won't leave You
If You say it's time to go, let's go
If You say it's so, it's so
If You say, say it's so
If I give, give it all
What would You do?
Would You give it back to me
though You don't have to?
Would You listen to my words?
Would You?
Would You make it so it's so?
Would You make it, make it so?
© 2008 wearyourheartout
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Out of sight - out of mind?
One thing I have discovered about myself over the years is that I have a tendancy with most people and things to have an "out of sight - out of mind" attitude. Actually, attitude is the wrong word totally but right now the correct word escapes me. But what I mean is this.
Its not like i don't care, or like i don't feel anything for the person, or that i don't know that the "thing" is still there, its just somehow i seem to automatically filter information. It might be some kind of internal mechanism to avoid getting stress, which I have found that I can suffer from if I allow it.
Multitasking is really not my middle name as some people know already. I have found in fact that the more things I have to think about the less my brain can cope with it, to the point where I cannot even focus on one of those things, and therefore I become totally unproductive. So my daily fight is to make sure that I only allow myself to think about one thing at a time, and to do one thing at a time. If I fail at this, nothing at all gets done, I just end up spinning plates and all of them crash to the floor.
I think its something similar with friends. I notice that with a lot of people, friendships come with a lot of obligations - remembering birthdays, anniversaries, going to visit all of them at every opportunity. Even if you don't want to. Its like the fear of skipping one of those things will leave you rejected for ever by that friend. Of course its good to remember birthdays and things like that, but trouble is the older you get, the more friends you have and the more birthdays etc to remember, and the more plates you end up spinning. Someday one plate crashes to the ground and you think your friend will hate you forever. This is great news! If they hate you forever, its one less plate to spin, and they weren't really a good friend after all. If they don't hate you, they'll likely forgive you and dropping the plate just didn't matter at all. That's a real friend. I have dropped lots of plates. I have a lot of real friends.
That's not the entirety of what i wanted to say. Its just the preface. Rather this. I'm terrible at remembering birthdays and everyone knows that, but if they don't, here it is again I'M TERRIBLE AT REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS. Yet the friendships I hold tend to be those which cross all obligatory limits. If i don't see them or email them for years, or forget birthdays its no big deal. Of course I try not to forget but I usually fail. We may meet sometime, and its just like we were chatting yesterday. Its all really chilled, stress free, and its great. But in between those times I have to say that I rarely think about them, and i don't really miss them. Oddly, I'm a very deeply emotional person, but i think if i missed everyone really badly I'd be a permanent nervous wreck. I call this a blessing, a protection system of some kind. EXCEPT that I have experienced this same phenomenon with girlfriends. That's bad. Very bad. Very bad indeed. Sooner or later, I'd get asked "so did you miss me while i was away?" or something similar. I'm a very honest person, but how do you answer a question like that honestly but without causing World War III? or is it IV now? You can't, you're really in the doghouse and there's not much you can do about it!
English proverbs, weird and wonderful.
Too many cooks spoil the broth
but
Many hands make light work
and
Out of sight, out of mind
but
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
yet this time, right now
"Out of sight, out of mind"
is both out of sight and out of mind
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
Its not like i don't care, or like i don't feel anything for the person, or that i don't know that the "thing" is still there, its just somehow i seem to automatically filter information. It might be some kind of internal mechanism to avoid getting stress, which I have found that I can suffer from if I allow it.
Multitasking is really not my middle name as some people know already. I have found in fact that the more things I have to think about the less my brain can cope with it, to the point where I cannot even focus on one of those things, and therefore I become totally unproductive. So my daily fight is to make sure that I only allow myself to think about one thing at a time, and to do one thing at a time. If I fail at this, nothing at all gets done, I just end up spinning plates and all of them crash to the floor.
I think its something similar with friends. I notice that with a lot of people, friendships come with a lot of obligations - remembering birthdays, anniversaries, going to visit all of them at every opportunity. Even if you don't want to. Its like the fear of skipping one of those things will leave you rejected for ever by that friend. Of course its good to remember birthdays and things like that, but trouble is the older you get, the more friends you have and the more birthdays etc to remember, and the more plates you end up spinning. Someday one plate crashes to the ground and you think your friend will hate you forever. This is great news! If they hate you forever, its one less plate to spin, and they weren't really a good friend after all. If they don't hate you, they'll likely forgive you and dropping the plate just didn't matter at all. That's a real friend. I have dropped lots of plates. I have a lot of real friends.
That's not the entirety of what i wanted to say. Its just the preface. Rather this. I'm terrible at remembering birthdays and everyone knows that, but if they don't, here it is again I'M TERRIBLE AT REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS. Yet the friendships I hold tend to be those which cross all obligatory limits. If i don't see them or email them for years, or forget birthdays its no big deal. Of course I try not to forget but I usually fail. We may meet sometime, and its just like we were chatting yesterday. Its all really chilled, stress free, and its great. But in between those times I have to say that I rarely think about them, and i don't really miss them. Oddly, I'm a very deeply emotional person, but i think if i missed everyone really badly I'd be a permanent nervous wreck. I call this a blessing, a protection system of some kind. EXCEPT that I have experienced this same phenomenon with girlfriends. That's bad. Very bad. Very bad indeed. Sooner or later, I'd get asked "so did you miss me while i was away?" or something similar. I'm a very honest person, but how do you answer a question like that honestly but without causing World War III? or is it IV now? You can't, you're really in the doghouse and there's not much you can do about it!
English proverbs, weird and wonderful.
Too many cooks spoil the broth
but
Many hands make light work
and
Out of sight, out of mind
but
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
yet this time, right now
"Out of sight, out of mind"
is both out of sight and out of mind
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Billy "no mates"
What's the deal? Its not like I don't have friends - I do. But I get to the weekend after a busy working week, and I'm sat here wondering what to do with my weekend. Nothing was planned, and while that can be nice, right now its the last thing I needed.
I got home friday night and started to work on a web project which I put on the back burner a long time ago, even though its been on my heart to do this since about 2006. In Estonia there's an inherent problem with worship songs and their translations. Typically, the same song can be translated many times by different people. The end result is different churches singing different versions, and people wasting lots of time re-inventing the wheel. Its silly, and it only happens because of poor inter-church communication and a lack of any centralised system or resource.
So I am building a website which mission is:
For anyone interested you can take a look at the test site here.
Feel free to sign up and start contributing, but don't pay too much attention to things not fully working or the lack of content.
I got home friday night and started to work on a web project which I put on the back burner a long time ago, even though its been on my heart to do this since about 2006. In Estonia there's an inherent problem with worship songs and their translations. Typically, the same song can be translated many times by different people. The end result is different churches singing different versions, and people wasting lots of time re-inventing the wheel. Its silly, and it only happens because of poor inter-church communication and a lack of any centralised system or resource.
So I am building a website which mission is:
- To provide a great resource for praise and worship song translations.
- To provide a place for translators to publish their translated songs.
- To stop the same song from being translated many times over.
- To provide a method of developing a standard preferred translation for each song.
- To encourage a greater sharing of resources between churches and denominations.
- To recognise good song translation as a gifted and inspired art, not as a linguistics exercise.
- To promote collaboration as an effective method of developing song translation gifting and talent.
For anyone interested you can take a look at the test site here.
Feel free to sign up and start contributing, but don't pay too much attention to things not fully working or the lack of content.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
The great purge
Purge:
I'd like to talk about computers for a moment. I bought my first PC in about 1997 it was a Pentium 166 MMX. I was determined that I would not install anything illegal on it. I was naive... Within a few months I had pirated games, music, videos and software on the PC, and I can't say it was a conscious decision. It was simply that everyone else was doing it and slowly but surely I found myself copying others. In retrospect I can look back and see how compromise in one area leads to compromises in others too. Before you know it you're living a compromised life.
Always in the back of my mind has been a niggle that I have to clean up my act as far as computers go. The industry has changed now though. Open source software is now a big thing, as is Linux. For those who don't know - You can do just about everything on a computer with 100% free software. Free software doesn't mean its rubbish software either, there are some really excellent alternatives around. In many cases they are even better! You don't have to buy Windows (though most computers come with it preinstalled), you don't have to buy Microsoft Office, you don't even have to buy Photoshop. In this day and age there is no excuse for using illegal software. Some (particularly charities and churches with little budget) have argued that the cost is just too much, and have justified it on that basis. But now its a different story, and there is not even any justification. In fact the sooner people stop using Pirate software and start using free or Open Source software, the sooner the price of the premium software will become affordable.
So, back to the purge.
I have a new PC. Well, an old new PC donated from work in exchange for the slightly older one I was using before. This was offered on the basis that they can't really afford to pay me overtime, and I do have to work from home occasionally. I have a Windows XP licence on the PC (for the first time).
I was recently challenged by someone to get rid of all my pirated movies, which I have now done. But I have taken the challenge as far as I can. With the clean install on my new (old) PC came the opportunity for a clean start. I backed up all my stuff, deleted from the backup drive all movies, music and software apart from that which is either free or that which I own on CD or DVD.
I now have a 100% legal computer. It feels good. I also have a rubbish bin (trash can) full of CDs and DVDs. That feels good too. Unfortunately my desk is still a mess.
For those who want to follow my example I'll post a list of the software with some guidance on what it does.
- To free from impurities; purify.
- To remove (impurities and other elements) by or as if by cleansing.
- to clear of imputed guilt or ritual uncleanliness.
- to clear away or wipe out legally (an offense, accusation, etc.) by atonement or other suitable action.
- to remove by cleansing or purifying (often fol. by away, off, or out).
I'd like to talk about computers for a moment. I bought my first PC in about 1997 it was a Pentium 166 MMX. I was determined that I would not install anything illegal on it. I was naive... Within a few months I had pirated games, music, videos and software on the PC, and I can't say it was a conscious decision. It was simply that everyone else was doing it and slowly but surely I found myself copying others. In retrospect I can look back and see how compromise in one area leads to compromises in others too. Before you know it you're living a compromised life.
Always in the back of my mind has been a niggle that I have to clean up my act as far as computers go. The industry has changed now though. Open source software is now a big thing, as is Linux. For those who don't know - You can do just about everything on a computer with 100% free software. Free software doesn't mean its rubbish software either, there are some really excellent alternatives around. In many cases they are even better! You don't have to buy Windows (though most computers come with it preinstalled), you don't have to buy Microsoft Office, you don't even have to buy Photoshop. In this day and age there is no excuse for using illegal software. Some (particularly charities and churches with little budget) have argued that the cost is just too much, and have justified it on that basis. But now its a different story, and there is not even any justification. In fact the sooner people stop using Pirate software and start using free or Open Source software, the sooner the price of the premium software will become affordable.
So, back to the purge.
I have a new PC. Well, an old new PC donated from work in exchange for the slightly older one I was using before. This was offered on the basis that they can't really afford to pay me overtime, and I do have to work from home occasionally. I have a Windows XP licence on the PC (for the first time).
I was recently challenged by someone to get rid of all my pirated movies, which I have now done. But I have taken the challenge as far as I can. With the clean install on my new (old) PC came the opportunity for a clean start. I backed up all my stuff, deleted from the backup drive all movies, music and software apart from that which is either free or that which I own on CD or DVD.
I now have a 100% legal computer. It feels good. I also have a rubbish bin (trash can) full of CDs and DVDs. That feels good too. Unfortunately my desk is still a mess.
For those who want to follow my example I'll post a list of the software with some guidance on what it does.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Ghosts part 3
Before you read this, read Ghosts part 1 and part 2, or none of this will make sense.
I'm not afraid of ghosts, in fact I have grown to like them, love them even. I think I should explain why.
The ghosts only seemed to hold any power at all when I was experiencing a sense of loss. For most people when a relationship ends, especially if it ends when you don't want it to, as in you are not the initiator of the ending, or if the ending was ugly, they experience a deep sense of loss, pain and heartache. This loss is usually caused by the fact that you have lost the other person. Logical isn't it? It can also be turned into intense pain by childish immaturity which causes people to be enemies after they break up. This is expressed in anger toward one another for the fact that one of you broke up with the other. Its a defence mechanism. They say the best form of defence is attack, and I guess thats why people do it. It may be true, and it may make it easier to "get over it", but as a christian this method is not appropriate. At times it has been a temptation to follow that old and stupid and childish model, and in many ways it would be easier, but it is certainly not God's way. If you love the person, should your love for them be conditional on you being able to express that love in romanticism or physical affection? No. That's not love at all.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Cor 13:4-7
Nobody said it would be easy (Eph 4:1-3), but someone did tell us very clearly how to love...
Our aim was always to keep our friendship intact. We were best friends before, we were best friends during and we can be best friends after. As long as we believe it's possible, it is possible.
We still sharpen each other, challenge one another to be more christ-like, laugh with one another, share problems with one another. All that's changed is that we are not "with" one another. Yet in a way we are, its just a different way.
So, the list of things which to me were only a short while ago ghosts now simply remind me of my best friend. For that, I endear them, precious, cherished.
I'm not afraid of ghosts, in fact I have grown to like them, love them even. I think I should explain why.
The ghosts only seemed to hold any power at all when I was experiencing a sense of loss. For most people when a relationship ends, especially if it ends when you don't want it to, as in you are not the initiator of the ending, or if the ending was ugly, they experience a deep sense of loss, pain and heartache. This loss is usually caused by the fact that you have lost the other person. Logical isn't it? It can also be turned into intense pain by childish immaturity which causes people to be enemies after they break up. This is expressed in anger toward one another for the fact that one of you broke up with the other. Its a defence mechanism. They say the best form of defence is attack, and I guess thats why people do it. It may be true, and it may make it easier to "get over it", but as a christian this method is not appropriate. At times it has been a temptation to follow that old and stupid and childish model, and in many ways it would be easier, but it is certainly not God's way. If you love the person, should your love for them be conditional on you being able to express that love in romanticism or physical affection? No. That's not love at all.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Cor 13:4-7
Nobody said it would be easy (Eph 4:1-3), but someone did tell us very clearly how to love...
Our aim was always to keep our friendship intact. We were best friends before, we were best friends during and we can be best friends after. As long as we believe it's possible, it is possible.
We still sharpen each other, challenge one another to be more christ-like, laugh with one another, share problems with one another. All that's changed is that we are not "with" one another. Yet in a way we are, its just a different way.
So, the list of things which to me were only a short while ago ghosts now simply remind me of my best friend. For that, I endear them, precious, cherished.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Why am I doing here, and what?
Yes, you read the title right. It's a little confused and frustrated, and right now so am I.
Here's the deal. My first visit to Estonia was in 1995 - I fell in love with the place, and couldn't help coming here any chance I got. During that time I began asking God about it, I knew I liked it here and of course I could see myself living here - for me. But i really wanted to know what God thought about it. I began praying seriously. One night when I was in Estonia somewhere around Easter time I guess in '98 or '99 I had a dream. Over the years God has spoken to me in dreams, and when I wake up I just KNOW that it was no ordinary dream. This was one of those dreams, and when I woke I realised that I had been spoken to very clearly and that Estonia was where I needed to be. Years passed, and I kept visiting, but no doors were opening for me. Then I realised something. I actually wasn't ready to go. I had debts, and I had some "issues" that really needed to be dealt with.
In earnest I set about preparing myself, clearing debts and dealing with my issues - it was hard work and it took a few years. Finally I reached the point where I had paid off all the money I owed, and I even had some money saved (for the first time in my life). A door opened for me to come here to work with a good friend of mine and I didn't have to think twice. I resigned from my workplace in UK, and in one month I was here. That was in 2004. Then came the big question. "It took me nine years to get here, so now what?" Since then, and in trying to answer that question, I have just been getting stuck into whatever seemed right (and a few things which really weren't), and fulfilling some of my dreams along the way. The overall sense was that I was in the right place, and doing the right thing.
Here's the crunch. Now, having been here five years, my residency due for renewal imminently, I'm feeling just as restless as I was when I was in limbo between knowing I should be in Estonia but having to live with the fact I was still in UK. With a renewed hunger for God and his purposes, I'm dissatisfied, frustrated, and I'm asking BIG questions.
But I think these are good questions, ones that we should be asking ourselves regularly...
Here's the deal. My first visit to Estonia was in 1995 - I fell in love with the place, and couldn't help coming here any chance I got. During that time I began asking God about it, I knew I liked it here and of course I could see myself living here - for me. But i really wanted to know what God thought about it. I began praying seriously. One night when I was in Estonia somewhere around Easter time I guess in '98 or '99 I had a dream. Over the years God has spoken to me in dreams, and when I wake up I just KNOW that it was no ordinary dream. This was one of those dreams, and when I woke I realised that I had been spoken to very clearly and that Estonia was where I needed to be. Years passed, and I kept visiting, but no doors were opening for me. Then I realised something. I actually wasn't ready to go. I had debts, and I had some "issues" that really needed to be dealt with.
In earnest I set about preparing myself, clearing debts and dealing with my issues - it was hard work and it took a few years. Finally I reached the point where I had paid off all the money I owed, and I even had some money saved (for the first time in my life). A door opened for me to come here to work with a good friend of mine and I didn't have to think twice. I resigned from my workplace in UK, and in one month I was here. That was in 2004. Then came the big question. "It took me nine years to get here, so now what?" Since then, and in trying to answer that question, I have just been getting stuck into whatever seemed right (and a few things which really weren't), and fulfilling some of my dreams along the way. The overall sense was that I was in the right place, and doing the right thing.
Here's the crunch. Now, having been here five years, my residency due for renewal imminently, I'm feeling just as restless as I was when I was in limbo between knowing I should be in Estonia but having to live with the fact I was still in UK. With a renewed hunger for God and his purposes, I'm dissatisfied, frustrated, and I'm asking BIG questions.
- Am I still where I belong?
- Am i doing what I should be doing?
- If so, why have I seen little or no fruit from my labours?
- If so why am I feeling so restless?
- If so, what can I do to be more effective in the expansion of God's kingdom?
- If not, why am I still here?
- If not, where should I be instead?
- If not, what should I be doing instead.
But I think these are good questions, ones that we should be asking ourselves regularly...
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Someone called me
7:30am a mere 3,5hrs since I got to sleep, I was woken by a phone call (check the last words on my previous blog), and no, it wasn't a wrong number. It was the person I most wanted to hear from. She had just gone to sleep, then woke up with a strong feeling that she should call me. I call that God. We talked for a couple of hours, broken by about 30mins as I read the long email reply to the one I emailed to her right before I left. We also attempted to talk on Skype instead of phone (would have been free), but somewhere during my trip my headset got lost. Makes me wonder what else I lost but haven't discovered yet.
Anyway it was sooooo good to hear from her, and I took a lot of comfort from the fact that she too was finding it tough in much the same way I have been, and having to try to deal with an extreme sense of loneliness. There's a lot more I could say about the conversation but I won't, other than to say it was great, and it was like talking to my best friend again. We had a better conversation than we had during the whole vacation and it felt so good. I got back to sleep around 10am.
Her mum woke me with a phonecall around 1pm. We need to get together to talk soon, but her work schedule is a little strange so we'll see how that pans out. I'd like to talk sooner rather than later.
I was again woken at 2pm by a phonecall from my pastor. We had arranged this Sunday to go to away, but that is now cancelled. I will go to his place this evening so we can catch up. We haven't really had time to talk for a couple of months due to him being away, then me. We have a LOT to talk about.
Anyway it was sooooo good to hear from her, and I took a lot of comfort from the fact that she too was finding it tough in much the same way I have been, and having to try to deal with an extreme sense of loneliness. There's a lot more I could say about the conversation but I won't, other than to say it was great, and it was like talking to my best friend again. We had a better conversation than we had during the whole vacation and it felt so good. I got back to sleep around 10am.
Her mum woke me with a phonecall around 1pm. We need to get together to talk soon, but her work schedule is a little strange so we'll see how that pans out. I'd like to talk sooner rather than later.
I was again woken at 2pm by a phonecall from my pastor. We had arranged this Sunday to go to away, but that is now cancelled. I will go to his place this evening so we can catch up. We haven't really had time to talk for a couple of months due to him being away, then me. We have a LOT to talk about.
I wasn't ready for that
I got home from work around 9:30pm after a pretty long day. Checked mail and FB, emailed JS a few times. Cooked myself some pelmeenid, then watched TV for a bit. I began to realise something. There's very little on TV that will actually enrich your life. Sure there's interesting things, but when you're looking for comfort for the soul, or something positive and uplifting, TV will not help you. In fact it makes the soul more restless. I'm seriously considering cancelling my cable contract. Or at least cutting it back to internet only.
Tonight I had a weird experience though, and one that I'm a little afraid to blog, but I'm gonna do it anyway.
I was in bed, had been watching TV and was thinking i should probably put lights out and sleep. But I became intensely aware that I was so alone here, no way for me to contact anyone and no-one contacting me. At times that can be a good thing, but not right now when I need people more than ever. But there was no-one. And it was deeply depressing, and I was being tempted so much to return to old vices. So much so that I actually had to escape my own apartment. At 1:30am I got up, got dressed, grabbed a bible and a notepad, jumped in my car and simply started driving. I had no idea where I was going or where I would end up. My trip took me out o a round trip into the country which lasted about 1,5hrs. Whilst driving I prayed, cried and did a lot of thinking and even praying for my phone to ring. Nothing. I don't think I have ever felt so intensely lonely as I did today. Someone call me...
Tonight I had a weird experience though, and one that I'm a little afraid to blog, but I'm gonna do it anyway.
I was in bed, had been watching TV and was thinking i should probably put lights out and sleep. But I became intensely aware that I was so alone here, no way for me to contact anyone and no-one contacting me. At times that can be a good thing, but not right now when I need people more than ever. But there was no-one. And it was deeply depressing, and I was being tempted so much to return to old vices. So much so that I actually had to escape my own apartment. At 1:30am I got up, got dressed, grabbed a bible and a notepad, jumped in my car and simply started driving. I had no idea where I was going or where I would end up. My trip took me out o a round trip into the country which lasted about 1,5hrs. Whilst driving I prayed, cried and did a lot of thinking and even praying for my phone to ring. Nothing. I don't think I have ever felt so intensely lonely as I did today. Someone call me...
Friday, August 28, 2009
A welcome intruder
Looking back to yesterday, something dawned on me this morning (that sounds quite poetic). When I woke up after my 13hr sleep i went to the kitchen, made some peanut butter and jam (jelly) on toast, filled a cup with cherry jogurt, and made some coffee. Then i thought to myself "hang on, last night there was no bread, and my fridge was empty". Turns out that Marco (who had been flat sitting for me while I was away) snuck in while I was sleeping and brought some things so I could have breakfast. I'm usually a light sleeper, so this was quite a surprise for me that I didn't wake when someone came into my apartment.
It was really nice of him to do that for me, but it worries me that I didn't wake. My apartment is on ground floor, and pretty easy to break into I guess...
It was really nice of him to do that for me, but it worries me that I didn't wake. My apartment is on ground floor, and pretty easy to break into I guess...
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Ghosts part.2
The more I blog, the braver I get about what to blog. It may get to the point where I blog deeply personal stuff for the whole world to see. So far I have talked in general terms (by my standards) about many things, but as long as I do that, my blog is limited in the help and encouragement it could be to someone else. I want the blog to help people.
So here it is, the list of ghosts. The things that make my heart sink as I come across them during the course of my day. Anyone else who has been in a similar situation to the one i find myself in will know the feelings evoked when seeing those things connected with the one you love. This may seem like wallowing or self-pity, but its not, its simply part of the grieving process and as my blog description states, I do not hide things.
I have a theory that writing out those things which hurt me or give me feelings of loss might actually be a help in overcoming them. I was going to write it somewhere private, but I figured it makes little difference if i post it, and it may (if my theory works) encourage someone else. Most people's method of handling this is to destroy (or put in a box somewhere) the things connected with the other person. My intention is to learn to live with them. We are not enemies, we're trying to restore our relationship to best friends status just like it was before. Some people say it can't be done, but I know it can, I've done it before. Watch and learn people...
This list is likely to change so i will be updating it as time goes:
So here it is, the list of ghosts. The things that make my heart sink as I come across them during the course of my day. Anyone else who has been in a similar situation to the one i find myself in will know the feelings evoked when seeing those things connected with the one you love. This may seem like wallowing or self-pity, but its not, its simply part of the grieving process and as my blog description states, I do not hide things.
I have a theory that writing out those things which hurt me or give me feelings of loss might actually be a help in overcoming them. I was going to write it somewhere private, but I figured it makes little difference if i post it, and it may (if my theory works) encourage someone else. Most people's method of handling this is to destroy (or put in a box somewhere) the things connected with the other person. My intention is to learn to live with them. We are not enemies, we're trying to restore our relationship to best friends status just like it was before. Some people say it can't be done, but I know it can, I've done it before. Watch and learn people...
This list is likely to change so i will be updating it as time goes:
- Bottle opener on my keyring (my Ghosts poem should make more sense to everyone now)
- toothbrush
- melted candle
- sweatshirt in my closet
- my webcam
- CKin2U
- 12 dried red roses hanging from my curtain rail
- cemetary road
Food for the soul
Reading Habakkuk, and all seemed hard work and kinda irrelevant when desperately in need of food for the soul.
Then I reached the end:
v:17 -19 says:
"Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls
yet i will rejoice in the Lord
I will be joyful in God my Saviour
The Sovereign Lord is my strength
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer
he enables me to go on the heights"
Those are the words I needed to hear today, food for my soul. I decide to rejoice in the Lord and be joyful in spite of circumstances. He is my strength, and he does enable me to rise above all this. Apart from the obvious (which if you've read the rest of by blogs before this, you will be aware of), I also have almost no money in the bank, almost no food in the fridge, bills to pay, and pay day is over a week away.
Then I reached the end:
v:17 -19 says:
"Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls
yet i will rejoice in the Lord
I will be joyful in God my Saviour
The Sovereign Lord is my strength
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer
he enables me to go on the heights"
Those are the words I needed to hear today, food for my soul. I decide to rejoice in the Lord and be joyful in spite of circumstances. He is my strength, and he does enable me to rise above all this. Apart from the obvious (which if you've read the rest of by blogs before this, you will be aware of), I also have almost no money in the bank, almost no food in the fridge, bills to pay, and pay day is over a week away.
The morning after
I turned off my phone and went to sleep around 2am intending to sleep for as long as my body wanted to. Something I rarely get chance to do, but I figured I needed it, especially as my work had said that i can take a day extra if I'm jet-lagged. I woke, and turned my phone on to check the time and it was 3:15pm which was a surprise. I thought that maybe I'd sleep til 11 or 12 only. So for me there really was no morning today.
Got a text from my mum asking how the trip went etc. Can't reply since phone bill isn't paid.
I'll try to skype them this evening I guess though I don't really want to talk to them as I'm not ready for any interrogations yet.
I suppose I should get up and face the day, what's left of it...
Got a text from my mum asking how the trip went etc. Can't reply since phone bill isn't paid.
I'll try to skype them this evening I guess though I don't really want to talk to them as I'm not ready for any interrogations yet.
I suppose I should get up and face the day, what's left of it...
Home bittersweet home
So I finally made it home, its 1:44am here and I've been awake for around 34hrs (save 30mins on the plane). Its REALLY weird to be home, its quiet, too quiet. All i can hear is the soft whirring of the backup drive on my computer and its occasional clicking sound. Have i really had so much sound around me the last few weeks that this is quiet by comparison? I don't think so. Sure when the kids were around, and the dog going crazy it was noisy, but that wasn't 24/7. I can't figure this out at all. Maybe its the same, only with the stark realisation that I'm here and the trip is now history. Whatever the reason I don't like the way it makes me feel and it may actually keep me awake even though I'm exhausted. Gonna try to sleep though.
If I fail, expect to see more here.
If I fail, expect to see more here.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Hel(l)sinki
Wise man strikes again! Not!
I arrived in Helsinki grabbed my case from baggage reclaim, and headed out of the terminal. Phone is still not working by the way. I quickly changed my remaining $10 into Euros and jumped on the bus into town. I arrived at the central bus station at around 18:00 and started looking for info about where to get a bus to the ferry port. They have signs for an Information Point, and when you get there its closed (useless), and there's little useful information on the walls. So I had no idea where I should have caught the bus from or even what number. So I figured I would walk to the ferry port, after all it didn't look far on the map. Dummy!
The cobbled streets quickly began to take their toll on the wheels of my suitcase and I could feel it becoming harder and harder to pull along. I then realised that one wheel had stopped turning and was rubbing on the case. I bent down to adjust it and almost burned myself it had become so hot. By this time I was also quite lost. I started carrying the case by the handle, but that soon became very tiring as I tried desperately to find a map or some landmark that I might recognise. Then it started to rain... Here was I in jeans and a T-shirt dragging all my luggage in the rain through what kinda started to look like Soho, and I started to feel a little unsafe. I spotted a small slightly scary hotel, went to reception and asked them to call a taxi for me. I finally made it to the port at about 19:30 with my broken wheel and €13,50 less in my pocket. Not good. But I blame Helsinki Station.
Now I'm sitting in the terminal having checked in already, and I have to wait another 1,5hrs before boarding. The terminal is pretty much empty save for a few cleaners and one older couple on the next bench.
I transferred my band's songs to the voice recorder so I can listen to them too now.
I'm officially a zombie. I'm really hungry and I can feel my head starting to spin, and I'm almost falling asleep writing this, even though the bench is really uncomfortable and I sitting totally upright. I'm longing for my bed! But, time to go find food, before I bite someone's head off!
I'm on the ferry, and finally i have internet access!! So here I am adding an entire day's enthusiastic blogging. enjoy.
I arrived in Helsinki grabbed my case from baggage reclaim, and headed out of the terminal. Phone is still not working by the way. I quickly changed my remaining $10 into Euros and jumped on the bus into town. I arrived at the central bus station at around 18:00 and started looking for info about where to get a bus to the ferry port. They have signs for an Information Point, and when you get there its closed (useless), and there's little useful information on the walls. So I had no idea where I should have caught the bus from or even what number. So I figured I would walk to the ferry port, after all it didn't look far on the map. Dummy!
The cobbled streets quickly began to take their toll on the wheels of my suitcase and I could feel it becoming harder and harder to pull along. I then realised that one wheel had stopped turning and was rubbing on the case. I bent down to adjust it and almost burned myself it had become so hot. By this time I was also quite lost. I started carrying the case by the handle, but that soon became very tiring as I tried desperately to find a map or some landmark that I might recognise. Then it started to rain... Here was I in jeans and a T-shirt dragging all my luggage in the rain through what kinda started to look like Soho, and I started to feel a little unsafe. I spotted a small slightly scary hotel, went to reception and asked them to call a taxi for me. I finally made it to the port at about 19:30 with my broken wheel and €13,50 less in my pocket. Not good. But I blame Helsinki Station.
Now I'm sitting in the terminal having checked in already, and I have to wait another 1,5hrs before boarding. The terminal is pretty much empty save for a few cleaners and one older couple on the next bench.
I transferred my band's songs to the voice recorder so I can listen to them too now.
I'm officially a zombie. I'm really hungry and I can feel my head starting to spin, and I'm almost falling asleep writing this, even though the bench is really uncomfortable and I sitting totally upright. I'm longing for my bed! But, time to go find food, before I bite someone's head off!
I'm on the ferry, and finally i have internet access!! So here I am adding an entire day's enthusiastic blogging. enjoy.
Hope, Faith and You
I have been here many times before. A relationship doesn't work out and I'm left picking up the pieces of my life to begin again.. I'm tired, overtired of beginning again.
This time though it IS different for a number of reasons.
Firstly, we truly fell in love, we weren't in fantasy land. Marriage seemed a certainty, not simply a remote possibility. We used to say “when we get married” not “if we get married” and it felt good to say it, right to say it. Even now, and even though there are no promises of it, that love hasn't left me, and I hope it never does. I hope it motivates me to be there always, to nurture our friendship even more, to prepare myself to be a great husband, and though I hate to say it, to teach me what perseverance means.
Secondly, its different because of hope. Hope of winning a life long war where previously occasional battles were won, but most were lost. I said I would not give up and I would fight her yet when I said that, this isn't exactly what I meant. But it seems like God is turning my words on me with a hint of irony an a wry smile. This is the fight God meant when I said that. This is hard for me to say, but I know its the truth: I'm not ready to be a husband until I know this war is over and I have won. I thought this war would take place while we were in the relationship, but I can see already that the war couldn't be won that way. The war has to be won whilst its just me and God, so that all my strength comes from him.
Thirdly, my relationship with God is nothing like it has been previously. Its transformed. I remember how it used to be, I'd pretty much only pray when things weren't going “right”. So relationships were one area that would always get prayer, but not really righteous prayer at all. This time its different, I actually have a devotional life!
When I think back to her dream about us following the lion, the war against the dinosaurs who were after us, and her telling me there's something I have which I can't bring with me, I'm certain this is part of it. Some may say it was only a dream, but it came when I was fresh from reading Prince Caspian, and this could almost have been a scene from the book (or film). My current analysis of the dream would go something like this:
We are trying to follow Jesus together, and we're at war. The monsters of old (our 'demons' unbeaten) are coming for us. And I am carrying something which cannot be taken to the place we are going. I need to leave it behind. I will leave it behind.
This time though it IS different for a number of reasons.
Firstly, we truly fell in love, we weren't in fantasy land. Marriage seemed a certainty, not simply a remote possibility. We used to say “when we get married” not “if we get married” and it felt good to say it, right to say it. Even now, and even though there are no promises of it, that love hasn't left me, and I hope it never does. I hope it motivates me to be there always, to nurture our friendship even more, to prepare myself to be a great husband, and though I hate to say it, to teach me what perseverance means.
Secondly, its different because of hope. Hope of winning a life long war where previously occasional battles were won, but most were lost. I said I would not give up and I would fight her yet when I said that, this isn't exactly what I meant. But it seems like God is turning my words on me with a hint of irony an a wry smile. This is the fight God meant when I said that. This is hard for me to say, but I know its the truth: I'm not ready to be a husband until I know this war is over and I have won. I thought this war would take place while we were in the relationship, but I can see already that the war couldn't be won that way. The war has to be won whilst its just me and God, so that all my strength comes from him.
Thirdly, my relationship with God is nothing like it has been previously. Its transformed. I remember how it used to be, I'd pretty much only pray when things weren't going “right”. So relationships were one area that would always get prayer, but not really righteous prayer at all. This time its different, I actually have a devotional life!
When I think back to her dream about us following the lion, the war against the dinosaurs who were after us, and her telling me there's something I have which I can't bring with me, I'm certain this is part of it. Some may say it was only a dream, but it came when I was fresh from reading Prince Caspian, and this could almost have been a scene from the book (or film). My current analysis of the dream would go something like this:
We are trying to follow Jesus together, and we're at war. The monsters of old (our 'demons' unbeaten) are coming for us. And I am carrying something which cannot be taken to the place we are going. I need to leave it behind. I will leave it behind.
Old blighty
The plane sat a while on the runway before a slot was available for us to take-off. During that time I fell asleep. I woke just as the plane began to move again. I'm so tired. As of now I have been awake essentially for over 21hrs straight and travelling for at least 11 of those hours. With tiredness comes a definite change as I begin to battle against memories. Memories of all kinds, along with plenty of “what if” type questions. Even before I boarded the flight and was wandering through the terminal I could sense temptations beginning to well up within me, temptations to return to old vices for comfort. There's an adrenaline rush that accompanies those temptations, and it feels good. It's not good at all, but it feels good, and i guess that's why we humans stumble so often. I resisted entertaining such thoughts but I recognised that they are there (for the first time since our relationship had started) and I am at war.
By the time I reach home I will have been awake for a full 33hrs straight. That's unless I can change my ferry ticket for an earlier one. I'm certainly going to try as a 5hr stop in Helsinki does not appeal AT ALL.
By the time I reach home I will have been awake for a full 33hrs straight. That's unless I can change my ferry ticket for an earlier one. I'm certainly going to try as a 5hr stop in Helsinki does not appeal AT ALL.
Ghosts
So I'm in the airport sat in the lounge by gate 24. I don't know what's up with my phone. Just like it was the whole trip, it still won't give me a network, yet on the way there it did. Very annoying! It makes me nervous, as I may need to make a call soon, and if it doesn't work there it could be a problem.
I successfully escaped talking to anyone on the flight, and strangely I fell asleep whilst watching a second movie. I didn't sleep long, it must have been half an hour maximum, but I slept. We'll see later if such a short sleep is enough to mess up my body clock totally.
On the flight I wrote this. Right now it looks like a poem (which i have been known to write on occasion), but it may become a song sometime.
Ghosts
Spaces where you used to be
now taunting the longings of me
and Pisa doesn't open a bottle
No, Pisa commences the battle
a battle of the mind
where in it I find
its warriors – your ghosts
I'll try not to fear them
but rather endear them
precious
perished
memories
cherished
I successfully escaped talking to anyone on the flight, and strangely I fell asleep whilst watching a second movie. I didn't sleep long, it must have been half an hour maximum, but I slept. We'll see later if such a short sleep is enough to mess up my body clock totally.
On the flight I wrote this. Right now it looks like a poem (which i have been known to write on occasion), but it may become a song sometime.
Ghosts
Spaces where you used to be
now taunting the longings of me
and Pisa doesn't open a bottle
No, Pisa commences the battle
a battle of the mind
where in it I find
its warriors – your ghosts
I'll try not to fear them
but rather endear them
precious
perished
memories
cherished
More freakishness!
We landed and had to wait a while on the runway for a slot so we could go to gate. As we waited I grabbed the in-flight magazine from the seat pocket and began flicking through its pages. As I did so, I stopped at an article named “You Fit Where You Get In”. I don't know what caught my attention exactly, possibly the face of the author. I think he may remind me of someone from my past, but I can't be sure who. I started to read...
I don't really want to rewrite everything he wrote, I'd probably get sued for that. Funny though that reading his article made me happy and excited, when it really should have made me cry. See what I mean about my unpredictable emotions? Anyway, I was so excited about what had happened to me in such a short time that as soon as I was through controls at I called to tell her all about it. Sadly she didn't pick up, and it went to voice-mail. I tried again a little later and still the same.
As I was getting seated on the connecting flight to London, I received a text from a friend saying they all missed me already. That's a nice thought to be leaving with. I too was a little sad that I hadn't got the chance to say a proper goodbye to her two lovely daughters who had added some moments of brightness to my otherwise rather overcast trip.
I'm not feeling great, I can't tell if it's just hot on the plane or if I'm feverish. Because of the change to my flights (I was meant to fly out on a different route, but the flight was cancelled so I'm flying the same route back as I came) I have the unfortunate disadvantage of losing my good seat. Instead I'm in the centre section of a 777. Seat 34F. I'm not looking forward to the long flight, I normally can't sleep on planes at all, and even if I could, in this case it would almost guarantee severe jet-lag – something I can do without..
The people either side of me are Spanish speaking. This could mean little or no conversation for the whole flight, something which usually I'd usually not really want on such a long flight, but on this occasion I'm glad that I probably won't be obliged to converse. That could lead to usually harmless questions which today I don't want to answer. “So why were you on vacation?” “What did you do?” “Did you have a good time?”. There it is again, the need to lie in order to protect the wounded soul. I'd rather not talk at all than have to lie.
Just checked out the movie selection and I'm so glad that The Soloist is there. I missed out on seeing that the other day due to book editing obligations. Settling down to watch, drama begins in the row behind me! Some guy has long legs, obviously too long for the guy in front, who is demanding the man find another seat as his knees are in the other guy's back. While I sympathise with the guy in front, his attitude stinks. I sympathise with the guy behind as I know what its like to have long legs on a cramped flight. People....
We had a period of really bad turbulence where the plane actually had to slow down a lot, I suspect it may have been as we were passing over the hurricane which hit the North American coast yesterday.
More drama. The captain made an announcement to ask if there were any doctors on board, as they had a medical emergency with one of the passengers. Like something from a movie.
The movie (The Soloist) was great, very thought provoking and I can relate to it well. If you haven't seen it, I recommend it highly. Signing off for now, more when I land.
I don't really want to rewrite everything he wrote, I'd probably get sued for that. Funny though that reading his article made me happy and excited, when it really should have made me cry. See what I mean about my unpredictable emotions? Anyway, I was so excited about what had happened to me in such a short time that as soon as I was through controls at I called to tell her all about it. Sadly she didn't pick up, and it went to voice-mail. I tried again a little later and still the same.
As I was getting seated on the connecting flight to London, I received a text from a friend saying they all missed me already. That's a nice thought to be leaving with. I too was a little sad that I hadn't got the chance to say a proper goodbye to her two lovely daughters who had added some moments of brightness to my otherwise rather overcast trip.
I'm not feeling great, I can't tell if it's just hot on the plane or if I'm feverish. Because of the change to my flights (I was meant to fly out on a different route, but the flight was cancelled so I'm flying the same route back as I came) I have the unfortunate disadvantage of losing my good seat. Instead I'm in the centre section of a 777. Seat 34F. I'm not looking forward to the long flight, I normally can't sleep on planes at all, and even if I could, in this case it would almost guarantee severe jet-lag – something I can do without..
The people either side of me are Spanish speaking. This could mean little or no conversation for the whole flight, something which usually I'd usually not really want on such a long flight, but on this occasion I'm glad that I probably won't be obliged to converse. That could lead to usually harmless questions which today I don't want to answer. “So why were you on vacation?” “What did you do?” “Did you have a good time?”. There it is again, the need to lie in order to protect the wounded soul. I'd rather not talk at all than have to lie.
Just checked out the movie selection and I'm so glad that The Soloist is there. I missed out on seeing that the other day due to book editing obligations. Settling down to watch, drama begins in the row behind me! Some guy has long legs, obviously too long for the guy in front, who is demanding the man find another seat as his knees are in the other guy's back. While I sympathise with the guy in front, his attitude stinks. I sympathise with the guy behind as I know what its like to have long legs on a cramped flight. People....
We had a period of really bad turbulence where the plane actually had to slow down a lot, I suspect it may have been as we were passing over the hurricane which hit the North American coast yesterday.
More drama. The captain made an announcement to ask if there were any doctors on board, as they had a medical emergency with one of the passengers. Like something from a movie.
The movie (The Soloist) was great, very thought provoking and I can relate to it well. If you haven't seen it, I recommend it highly. Signing off for now, more when I land.
Leaving on a jet plane
As I sat at gate 79 waiting for my flight to be called, I flipped open my laptop to begin my first blog. During my stay here I have had the privilege of editing a friend's book. Before this trip we had never met, but during my stay we became good friends. She began blogging a few years back, and her blog is now being turned into a book. Its been exciting getting to know someone just by reading their blog, in her case its almost like reading a personal diary, and I think I got to know her pretty well through it. That's where the inspiration to begin blogging came from. I have thought about it many times before, but I've never felt I had anything to say which I could put into words in any coherent manner and quickly, but that was then and this is now.
I pasted the lyrics to my song 'Inside Out' as a preface to my blog as they explain a lot about me as a person. While I played with the blog I connected my new toy (a voice recorder) to my laptop and began transferring MP3s to it (I can also use my new toy as an MP3 player). The only songs in my laptop were a selection of worship songs which I had copied in a hurry right before I left home, plus my own band's recordings. I transferred the worship songs first. My flight was called and I let the transfer complete its last 30 seconds, but I had no time to transfer the band's songs.
I began boarding and as I waited in the line on the bridge I exchanged a few goodbye text messages. This is a highly-charged emotional departure for me. The trip was the antitheses of everything I wanted, everything I had hoped for and dreamed of. I am not even able to answer "yes" honestly if someone were to ask me did I have a good time. I have already been asked this and I lied. The truth was just too painful at that moment, and would only have caused a bunch of probing questions which I did not want to answer and which would have upset me more. Sorry. In one moment I can be fine and happy, in the next I can be in tears, and I have little control over when and how it happens. With me, unexpected things can trigger an outward display of any kind of emotion. I guess that means I'm "Emo", but I'd rather be fully emotional than to have no emotion or worse, to simply bury them. The only reason I see for burying emotions is if you're trying to hide the real you, lying to yourself and everyone else, but in fact people see through it anyway. Its a bad habit I gave up long ago. There was a time when I really had no emotions, when I didn't really "feel" anything about anything. I know that i prefer who I am now.
I took my seat (15F, a window seat) and made myself comfortable, grabbing the book I am half way through reading, pushed my laptop bag under the seat in front of me, turned off my phone and stuffed it in the front pocket of my jeans along with my new toy. I slid open the two window blinds next to me so I could see out. On short flights I love to look at the land below. The seatbelt light came on and we began taxiing toward the runway. I could hear some music quietly in the background and it seemed to be something I recognised, I tuned my ear into the sound and I heard the words "When you're weak He is strong, He can heal your wounded soul and calm the storm inside." The music was coming from my front pocket. Somehow my new toy had turned itself on, and played to me only the words that I needed to hear at that exact moment in time (Sixpence None the Richer – With every breath). Perfect! There's only one source of perfection on the planet. I quickly turned off my toy and pushed it back into my pocket, and a wide grin came across my face as I realised what had just happened, and the pure poetry of it. I think I may have even laughed out loud. I knew it was no coincidence, and I knew I was not alone in my turmoil. Right away I took out my notepad (since the laptop had to be switched off during take-off) and began writing all about it...
I pasted the lyrics to my song 'Inside Out' as a preface to my blog as they explain a lot about me as a person. While I played with the blog I connected my new toy (a voice recorder) to my laptop and began transferring MP3s to it (I can also use my new toy as an MP3 player). The only songs in my laptop were a selection of worship songs which I had copied in a hurry right before I left home, plus my own band's recordings. I transferred the worship songs first. My flight was called and I let the transfer complete its last 30 seconds, but I had no time to transfer the band's songs.
I began boarding and as I waited in the line on the bridge I exchanged a few goodbye text messages. This is a highly-charged emotional departure for me. The trip was the antitheses of everything I wanted, everything I had hoped for and dreamed of. I am not even able to answer "yes" honestly if someone were to ask me did I have a good time. I have already been asked this and I lied. The truth was just too painful at that moment, and would only have caused a bunch of probing questions which I did not want to answer and which would have upset me more. Sorry. In one moment I can be fine and happy, in the next I can be in tears, and I have little control over when and how it happens. With me, unexpected things can trigger an outward display of any kind of emotion. I guess that means I'm "Emo", but I'd rather be fully emotional than to have no emotion or worse, to simply bury them. The only reason I see for burying emotions is if you're trying to hide the real you, lying to yourself and everyone else, but in fact people see through it anyway. Its a bad habit I gave up long ago. There was a time when I really had no emotions, when I didn't really "feel" anything about anything. I know that i prefer who I am now.
I took my seat (15F, a window seat) and made myself comfortable, grabbing the book I am half way through reading, pushed my laptop bag under the seat in front of me, turned off my phone and stuffed it in the front pocket of my jeans along with my new toy. I slid open the two window blinds next to me so I could see out. On short flights I love to look at the land below. The seatbelt light came on and we began taxiing toward the runway. I could hear some music quietly in the background and it seemed to be something I recognised, I tuned my ear into the sound and I heard the words "When you're weak He is strong, He can heal your wounded soul and calm the storm inside." The music was coming from my front pocket. Somehow my new toy had turned itself on, and played to me only the words that I needed to hear at that exact moment in time (Sixpence None the Richer – With every breath). Perfect! There's only one source of perfection on the planet. I quickly turned off my toy and pushed it back into my pocket, and a wide grin came across my face as I realised what had just happened, and the pure poetry of it. I think I may have even laughed out loud. I knew it was no coincidence, and I knew I was not alone in my turmoil. Right away I took out my notepad (since the laptop had to be switched off during take-off) and began writing all about it...
Inside Out
Always good to be yourself
No matter what it takes
Always good to tell the truth
Honesty is no mistake
Never good to hide away
In closet love, or searing pain
Wear your heart inside out
Live your life inside out
Wear your heart inside out
Wear your heart out
Always try to make things right
Even when you feel you can’t
Always try to be the one
To give a helping hand
Never try to change the world
With empty words, or without love
Wear your heart inside out
Live your life inside out
Wear your heart inside out
Wear your heart out
I wrote this song back in 2005 I think. It sets the tone for this entire blog. Most
people who know me will know that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I do not hide emotions,
I don't know how to any more. I say "any more" because either I used to be very good at
it, or maybe I just had none. A lot has changed in 17 years.
No matter what it takes
Always good to tell the truth
Honesty is no mistake
Never good to hide away
In closet love, or searing pain
Wear your heart inside out
Live your life inside out
Wear your heart inside out
Wear your heart out
Always try to make things right
Even when you feel you can’t
Always try to be the one
To give a helping hand
Never try to change the world
With empty words, or without love
Wear your heart inside out
Live your life inside out
Wear your heart inside out
Wear your heart out
I wrote this song back in 2005 I think. It sets the tone for this entire blog. Most
people who know me will know that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I do not hide emotions,
I don't know how to any more. I say "any more" because either I used to be very good at
it, or maybe I just had none. A lot has changed in 17 years.
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