The other day, I was praying about my finances.
My monthly income / outgoings look like this:
Total income after tax and social security:
13663 EEK (Estonian Kroons)
Monthly outgoings:
-5290,59 Mortgage
- 238,00 Home improvement loan
-1600,00 Tithe
- 411,90 Electricity
-1 086,73 Apartment community fund
- 550,00 Internet and Cable TV
Total remaining:
4485,78
Out of the remaining must come the following:
Fuel (usually around 1000 since i get an additional 1000 fuel allowance from work)
Car repairs
Car insurance (every 6 months abround 1000)
Food
Houshold goods
Clothes
My phone is paid out of my company account, so thats why its not listed. I have some outstanding bills which need to be paid, and I need to also pay some friends back money they have loaned me. I must make it clear that I'm not in the habit of asking for loans. These loans were offered to me without asking.
As you can see, money is tight.
The occasional windfall goes a long way, and it seems my prayers are being answered. I discovered today that I received royalty payments for some of my songs a few days back totalling over 1200 after tax. As i mentioned in my previous blog, I was owed money by someone and today the payment of 160 Euros arrived in my paypal account. I'll lose a lot of that in transfer and conversion fees, but its still over 2300 EEK.
I know a lot of people would frown at me putting all my finances on the web for the world to see, but I don't care really, and i don't know why others care so much or are so afraid to talk about money (unless they know they're wasting money on trash, and don't want people to know). It's normal for me to be open even about that kind of stuff too. I have nothing to hide...
So anyway things are looking up, but I'm also looking at ways to cut costs, and get my finances into better shape. Finances are not something I've ever been good at particularly, but then I can't say I try very hard.
Time to start.
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Out of sight - out of mind?
One thing I have discovered about myself over the years is that I have a tendancy with most people and things to have an "out of sight - out of mind" attitude. Actually, attitude is the wrong word totally but right now the correct word escapes me. But what I mean is this.
Its not like i don't care, or like i don't feel anything for the person, or that i don't know that the "thing" is still there, its just somehow i seem to automatically filter information. It might be some kind of internal mechanism to avoid getting stress, which I have found that I can suffer from if I allow it.
Multitasking is really not my middle name as some people know already. I have found in fact that the more things I have to think about the less my brain can cope with it, to the point where I cannot even focus on one of those things, and therefore I become totally unproductive. So my daily fight is to make sure that I only allow myself to think about one thing at a time, and to do one thing at a time. If I fail at this, nothing at all gets done, I just end up spinning plates and all of them crash to the floor.
I think its something similar with friends. I notice that with a lot of people, friendships come with a lot of obligations - remembering birthdays, anniversaries, going to visit all of them at every opportunity. Even if you don't want to. Its like the fear of skipping one of those things will leave you rejected for ever by that friend. Of course its good to remember birthdays and things like that, but trouble is the older you get, the more friends you have and the more birthdays etc to remember, and the more plates you end up spinning. Someday one plate crashes to the ground and you think your friend will hate you forever. This is great news! If they hate you forever, its one less plate to spin, and they weren't really a good friend after all. If they don't hate you, they'll likely forgive you and dropping the plate just didn't matter at all. That's a real friend. I have dropped lots of plates. I have a lot of real friends.
That's not the entirety of what i wanted to say. Its just the preface. Rather this. I'm terrible at remembering birthdays and everyone knows that, but if they don't, here it is again I'M TERRIBLE AT REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS. Yet the friendships I hold tend to be those which cross all obligatory limits. If i don't see them or email them for years, or forget birthdays its no big deal. Of course I try not to forget but I usually fail. We may meet sometime, and its just like we were chatting yesterday. Its all really chilled, stress free, and its great. But in between those times I have to say that I rarely think about them, and i don't really miss them. Oddly, I'm a very deeply emotional person, but i think if i missed everyone really badly I'd be a permanent nervous wreck. I call this a blessing, a protection system of some kind. EXCEPT that I have experienced this same phenomenon with girlfriends. That's bad. Very bad. Very bad indeed. Sooner or later, I'd get asked "so did you miss me while i was away?" or something similar. I'm a very honest person, but how do you answer a question like that honestly but without causing World War III? or is it IV now? You can't, you're really in the doghouse and there's not much you can do about it!
English proverbs, weird and wonderful.
Too many cooks spoil the broth
but
Many hands make light work
and
Out of sight, out of mind
but
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
yet this time, right now
"Out of sight, out of mind"
is both out of sight and out of mind
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
Its not like i don't care, or like i don't feel anything for the person, or that i don't know that the "thing" is still there, its just somehow i seem to automatically filter information. It might be some kind of internal mechanism to avoid getting stress, which I have found that I can suffer from if I allow it.
Multitasking is really not my middle name as some people know already. I have found in fact that the more things I have to think about the less my brain can cope with it, to the point where I cannot even focus on one of those things, and therefore I become totally unproductive. So my daily fight is to make sure that I only allow myself to think about one thing at a time, and to do one thing at a time. If I fail at this, nothing at all gets done, I just end up spinning plates and all of them crash to the floor.
I think its something similar with friends. I notice that with a lot of people, friendships come with a lot of obligations - remembering birthdays, anniversaries, going to visit all of them at every opportunity. Even if you don't want to. Its like the fear of skipping one of those things will leave you rejected for ever by that friend. Of course its good to remember birthdays and things like that, but trouble is the older you get, the more friends you have and the more birthdays etc to remember, and the more plates you end up spinning. Someday one plate crashes to the ground and you think your friend will hate you forever. This is great news! If they hate you forever, its one less plate to spin, and they weren't really a good friend after all. If they don't hate you, they'll likely forgive you and dropping the plate just didn't matter at all. That's a real friend. I have dropped lots of plates. I have a lot of real friends.
That's not the entirety of what i wanted to say. Its just the preface. Rather this. I'm terrible at remembering birthdays and everyone knows that, but if they don't, here it is again I'M TERRIBLE AT REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS. Yet the friendships I hold tend to be those which cross all obligatory limits. If i don't see them or email them for years, or forget birthdays its no big deal. Of course I try not to forget but I usually fail. We may meet sometime, and its just like we were chatting yesterday. Its all really chilled, stress free, and its great. But in between those times I have to say that I rarely think about them, and i don't really miss them. Oddly, I'm a very deeply emotional person, but i think if i missed everyone really badly I'd be a permanent nervous wreck. I call this a blessing, a protection system of some kind. EXCEPT that I have experienced this same phenomenon with girlfriends. That's bad. Very bad. Very bad indeed. Sooner or later, I'd get asked "so did you miss me while i was away?" or something similar. I'm a very honest person, but how do you answer a question like that honestly but without causing World War III? or is it IV now? You can't, you're really in the doghouse and there's not much you can do about it!
English proverbs, weird and wonderful.
Too many cooks spoil the broth
but
Many hands make light work
and
Out of sight, out of mind
but
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
yet this time, right now
"Out of sight, out of mind"
is both out of sight and out of mind
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Billy "no mates"
What's the deal? Its not like I don't have friends - I do. But I get to the weekend after a busy working week, and I'm sat here wondering what to do with my weekend. Nothing was planned, and while that can be nice, right now its the last thing I needed.
I got home friday night and started to work on a web project which I put on the back burner a long time ago, even though its been on my heart to do this since about 2006. In Estonia there's an inherent problem with worship songs and their translations. Typically, the same song can be translated many times by different people. The end result is different churches singing different versions, and people wasting lots of time re-inventing the wheel. Its silly, and it only happens because of poor inter-church communication and a lack of any centralised system or resource.
So I am building a website which mission is:
For anyone interested you can take a look at the test site here.
Feel free to sign up and start contributing, but don't pay too much attention to things not fully working or the lack of content.
I got home friday night and started to work on a web project which I put on the back burner a long time ago, even though its been on my heart to do this since about 2006. In Estonia there's an inherent problem with worship songs and their translations. Typically, the same song can be translated many times by different people. The end result is different churches singing different versions, and people wasting lots of time re-inventing the wheel. Its silly, and it only happens because of poor inter-church communication and a lack of any centralised system or resource.
So I am building a website which mission is:
- To provide a great resource for praise and worship song translations.
- To provide a place for translators to publish their translated songs.
- To stop the same song from being translated many times over.
- To provide a method of developing a standard preferred translation for each song.
- To encourage a greater sharing of resources between churches and denominations.
- To recognise good song translation as a gifted and inspired art, not as a linguistics exercise.
- To promote collaboration as an effective method of developing song translation gifting and talent.
For anyone interested you can take a look at the test site here.
Feel free to sign up and start contributing, but don't pay too much attention to things not fully working or the lack of content.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Ghosts part 3
Before you read this, read Ghosts part 1 and part 2, or none of this will make sense.
I'm not afraid of ghosts, in fact I have grown to like them, love them even. I think I should explain why.
The ghosts only seemed to hold any power at all when I was experiencing a sense of loss. For most people when a relationship ends, especially if it ends when you don't want it to, as in you are not the initiator of the ending, or if the ending was ugly, they experience a deep sense of loss, pain and heartache. This loss is usually caused by the fact that you have lost the other person. Logical isn't it? It can also be turned into intense pain by childish immaturity which causes people to be enemies after they break up. This is expressed in anger toward one another for the fact that one of you broke up with the other. Its a defence mechanism. They say the best form of defence is attack, and I guess thats why people do it. It may be true, and it may make it easier to "get over it", but as a christian this method is not appropriate. At times it has been a temptation to follow that old and stupid and childish model, and in many ways it would be easier, but it is certainly not God's way. If you love the person, should your love for them be conditional on you being able to express that love in romanticism or physical affection? No. That's not love at all.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Cor 13:4-7
Nobody said it would be easy (Eph 4:1-3), but someone did tell us very clearly how to love...
Our aim was always to keep our friendship intact. We were best friends before, we were best friends during and we can be best friends after. As long as we believe it's possible, it is possible.
We still sharpen each other, challenge one another to be more christ-like, laugh with one another, share problems with one another. All that's changed is that we are not "with" one another. Yet in a way we are, its just a different way.
So, the list of things which to me were only a short while ago ghosts now simply remind me of my best friend. For that, I endear them, precious, cherished.
I'm not afraid of ghosts, in fact I have grown to like them, love them even. I think I should explain why.
The ghosts only seemed to hold any power at all when I was experiencing a sense of loss. For most people when a relationship ends, especially if it ends when you don't want it to, as in you are not the initiator of the ending, or if the ending was ugly, they experience a deep sense of loss, pain and heartache. This loss is usually caused by the fact that you have lost the other person. Logical isn't it? It can also be turned into intense pain by childish immaturity which causes people to be enemies after they break up. This is expressed in anger toward one another for the fact that one of you broke up with the other. Its a defence mechanism. They say the best form of defence is attack, and I guess thats why people do it. It may be true, and it may make it easier to "get over it", but as a christian this method is not appropriate. At times it has been a temptation to follow that old and stupid and childish model, and in many ways it would be easier, but it is certainly not God's way. If you love the person, should your love for them be conditional on you being able to express that love in romanticism or physical affection? No. That's not love at all.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Cor 13:4-7
Nobody said it would be easy (Eph 4:1-3), but someone did tell us very clearly how to love...
Our aim was always to keep our friendship intact. We were best friends before, we were best friends during and we can be best friends after. As long as we believe it's possible, it is possible.
We still sharpen each other, challenge one another to be more christ-like, laugh with one another, share problems with one another. All that's changed is that we are not "with" one another. Yet in a way we are, its just a different way.
So, the list of things which to me were only a short while ago ghosts now simply remind me of my best friend. For that, I endear them, precious, cherished.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Someone called me
7:30am a mere 3,5hrs since I got to sleep, I was woken by a phone call (check the last words on my previous blog), and no, it wasn't a wrong number. It was the person I most wanted to hear from. She had just gone to sleep, then woke up with a strong feeling that she should call me. I call that God. We talked for a couple of hours, broken by about 30mins as I read the long email reply to the one I emailed to her right before I left. We also attempted to talk on Skype instead of phone (would have been free), but somewhere during my trip my headset got lost. Makes me wonder what else I lost but haven't discovered yet.
Anyway it was sooooo good to hear from her, and I took a lot of comfort from the fact that she too was finding it tough in much the same way I have been, and having to try to deal with an extreme sense of loneliness. There's a lot more I could say about the conversation but I won't, other than to say it was great, and it was like talking to my best friend again. We had a better conversation than we had during the whole vacation and it felt so good. I got back to sleep around 10am.
Her mum woke me with a phonecall around 1pm. We need to get together to talk soon, but her work schedule is a little strange so we'll see how that pans out. I'd like to talk sooner rather than later.
I was again woken at 2pm by a phonecall from my pastor. We had arranged this Sunday to go to away, but that is now cancelled. I will go to his place this evening so we can catch up. We haven't really had time to talk for a couple of months due to him being away, then me. We have a LOT to talk about.
Anyway it was sooooo good to hear from her, and I took a lot of comfort from the fact that she too was finding it tough in much the same way I have been, and having to try to deal with an extreme sense of loneliness. There's a lot more I could say about the conversation but I won't, other than to say it was great, and it was like talking to my best friend again. We had a better conversation than we had during the whole vacation and it felt so good. I got back to sleep around 10am.
Her mum woke me with a phonecall around 1pm. We need to get together to talk soon, but her work schedule is a little strange so we'll see how that pans out. I'd like to talk sooner rather than later.
I was again woken at 2pm by a phonecall from my pastor. We had arranged this Sunday to go to away, but that is now cancelled. I will go to his place this evening so we can catch up. We haven't really had time to talk for a couple of months due to him being away, then me. We have a LOT to talk about.
Friday, August 28, 2009
A welcome intruder
Looking back to yesterday, something dawned on me this morning (that sounds quite poetic). When I woke up after my 13hr sleep i went to the kitchen, made some peanut butter and jam (jelly) on toast, filled a cup with cherry jogurt, and made some coffee. Then i thought to myself "hang on, last night there was no bread, and my fridge was empty". Turns out that Marco (who had been flat sitting for me while I was away) snuck in while I was sleeping and brought some things so I could have breakfast. I'm usually a light sleeper, so this was quite a surprise for me that I didn't wake when someone came into my apartment.
It was really nice of him to do that for me, but it worries me that I didn't wake. My apartment is on ground floor, and pretty easy to break into I guess...
It was really nice of him to do that for me, but it worries me that I didn't wake. My apartment is on ground floor, and pretty easy to break into I guess...
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Leaving on a jet plane
As I sat at gate 79 waiting for my flight to be called, I flipped open my laptop to begin my first blog. During my stay here I have had the privilege of editing a friend's book. Before this trip we had never met, but during my stay we became good friends. She began blogging a few years back, and her blog is now being turned into a book. Its been exciting getting to know someone just by reading their blog, in her case its almost like reading a personal diary, and I think I got to know her pretty well through it. That's where the inspiration to begin blogging came from. I have thought about it many times before, but I've never felt I had anything to say which I could put into words in any coherent manner and quickly, but that was then and this is now.
I pasted the lyrics to my song 'Inside Out' as a preface to my blog as they explain a lot about me as a person. While I played with the blog I connected my new toy (a voice recorder) to my laptop and began transferring MP3s to it (I can also use my new toy as an MP3 player). The only songs in my laptop were a selection of worship songs which I had copied in a hurry right before I left home, plus my own band's recordings. I transferred the worship songs first. My flight was called and I let the transfer complete its last 30 seconds, but I had no time to transfer the band's songs.
I began boarding and as I waited in the line on the bridge I exchanged a few goodbye text messages. This is a highly-charged emotional departure for me. The trip was the antitheses of everything I wanted, everything I had hoped for and dreamed of. I am not even able to answer "yes" honestly if someone were to ask me did I have a good time. I have already been asked this and I lied. The truth was just too painful at that moment, and would only have caused a bunch of probing questions which I did not want to answer and which would have upset me more. Sorry. In one moment I can be fine and happy, in the next I can be in tears, and I have little control over when and how it happens. With me, unexpected things can trigger an outward display of any kind of emotion. I guess that means I'm "Emo", but I'd rather be fully emotional than to have no emotion or worse, to simply bury them. The only reason I see for burying emotions is if you're trying to hide the real you, lying to yourself and everyone else, but in fact people see through it anyway. Its a bad habit I gave up long ago. There was a time when I really had no emotions, when I didn't really "feel" anything about anything. I know that i prefer who I am now.
I took my seat (15F, a window seat) and made myself comfortable, grabbing the book I am half way through reading, pushed my laptop bag under the seat in front of me, turned off my phone and stuffed it in the front pocket of my jeans along with my new toy. I slid open the two window blinds next to me so I could see out. On short flights I love to look at the land below. The seatbelt light came on and we began taxiing toward the runway. I could hear some music quietly in the background and it seemed to be something I recognised, I tuned my ear into the sound and I heard the words "When you're weak He is strong, He can heal your wounded soul and calm the storm inside." The music was coming from my front pocket. Somehow my new toy had turned itself on, and played to me only the words that I needed to hear at that exact moment in time (Sixpence None the Richer – With every breath). Perfect! There's only one source of perfection on the planet. I quickly turned off my toy and pushed it back into my pocket, and a wide grin came across my face as I realised what had just happened, and the pure poetry of it. I think I may have even laughed out loud. I knew it was no coincidence, and I knew I was not alone in my turmoil. Right away I took out my notepad (since the laptop had to be switched off during take-off) and began writing all about it...
I pasted the lyrics to my song 'Inside Out' as a preface to my blog as they explain a lot about me as a person. While I played with the blog I connected my new toy (a voice recorder) to my laptop and began transferring MP3s to it (I can also use my new toy as an MP3 player). The only songs in my laptop were a selection of worship songs which I had copied in a hurry right before I left home, plus my own band's recordings. I transferred the worship songs first. My flight was called and I let the transfer complete its last 30 seconds, but I had no time to transfer the band's songs.
I began boarding and as I waited in the line on the bridge I exchanged a few goodbye text messages. This is a highly-charged emotional departure for me. The trip was the antitheses of everything I wanted, everything I had hoped for and dreamed of. I am not even able to answer "yes" honestly if someone were to ask me did I have a good time. I have already been asked this and I lied. The truth was just too painful at that moment, and would only have caused a bunch of probing questions which I did not want to answer and which would have upset me more. Sorry. In one moment I can be fine and happy, in the next I can be in tears, and I have little control over when and how it happens. With me, unexpected things can trigger an outward display of any kind of emotion. I guess that means I'm "Emo", but I'd rather be fully emotional than to have no emotion or worse, to simply bury them. The only reason I see for burying emotions is if you're trying to hide the real you, lying to yourself and everyone else, but in fact people see through it anyway. Its a bad habit I gave up long ago. There was a time when I really had no emotions, when I didn't really "feel" anything about anything. I know that i prefer who I am now.
I took my seat (15F, a window seat) and made myself comfortable, grabbing the book I am half way through reading, pushed my laptop bag under the seat in front of me, turned off my phone and stuffed it in the front pocket of my jeans along with my new toy. I slid open the two window blinds next to me so I could see out. On short flights I love to look at the land below. The seatbelt light came on and we began taxiing toward the runway. I could hear some music quietly in the background and it seemed to be something I recognised, I tuned my ear into the sound and I heard the words "When you're weak He is strong, He can heal your wounded soul and calm the storm inside." The music was coming from my front pocket. Somehow my new toy had turned itself on, and played to me only the words that I needed to hear at that exact moment in time (Sixpence None the Richer – With every breath). Perfect! There's only one source of perfection on the planet. I quickly turned off my toy and pushed it back into my pocket, and a wide grin came across my face as I realised what had just happened, and the pure poetry of it. I think I may have even laughed out loud. I knew it was no coincidence, and I knew I was not alone in my turmoil. Right away I took out my notepad (since the laptop had to be switched off during take-off) and began writing all about it...
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