Ghosts part.2

The more I blog, the braver I get about what to blog. It may get to the point where I blog deeply personal stuff for the whole world to see. So far I have talked in general terms (by my standards) about many things, but as long as I do that, my blog is limited in the help and encouragement it could be to someone else. I want the blog to help people.

So here it is, the list of ghosts. The things that make my heart sink as I come across them during the course of my day. Anyone else who has been in a similar situation to the one i find myself in will know the feelings evoked when seeing those things connected with the one you love. This may seem like wallowing or self-pity, but its not, its simply part of the grieving process and as my blog description states, I do not hide things.

I have a theory that writing out those things which hurt me or give me feelings of loss might actually be a help in overcoming them. I was going to write it somewhere private, but I figured it makes little difference if i post it, and it may (if my theory works) encourage someone else. Most people's method of handling this is to destroy (or put in a box somewhere) the things connected with the other person. My intention is to learn to live with them. We are not enemies, we're trying to restore our relationship to best friends status just like it was before. Some people say it can't be done, but I know it can, I've done it before. Watch and learn people...

This list is likely to change so i will be updating it as time goes:

• Bottle opener on my keyring (my Ghosts poem should make more sense to everyone now)
  
• toothbrush
• melted candle
• sweatshirt in my closet
• my webcam
• CKin2U
• 12 dried red roses hanging from my curtain rail
• cemetary road
  

Food for the soul

Reading Habakkuk, and all seemed hard work and kinda irrelevant when desperately in need of food for the soul.
Then I reached the end:
v:17 -19 says:
"Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls
yet i will rejoice in the Lord
I will be joyful in God my Saviour

The Sovereign Lord is my strength
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer
he enables me to go on the heights"

Those are the words I needed to hear today, food for my soul. I decide to rejoice in the Lord and be joyful in spite of circumstances. He is my strength, and he does enable me to rise above all this. Apart from the obvious (which if you've read the rest of by blogs before this, you will be aware of), I also have almost no money in the bank, almost no food in the fridge, bills to pay, and pay day is over a week away.

The morning after

I turned off my phone and went to sleep around 2am intending to sleep for as long as my body wanted to. Something I rarely get chance to do, but I figured I needed it, especially as my work had said that i can take a day extra if I'm jet-lagged. I woke, and turned my phone on to check the time and it was 3:15pm which was a surprise. I thought that maybe I'd sleep til 11 or 12 only. So for me there really was no morning today.

Got a text from my mum asking how the trip went etc. Can't reply since phone bill isn't paid.
I'll try to skype them this evening I guess though I don't really want to talk to them as I'm not ready for any interrogations yet.

I suppose I should get up and face the day, what's left of it...

Home bittersweet home

So I finally made it home, its 1:44am here and I've been awake for around 34hrs (save 30mins on the plane). Its REALLY weird to be home, its quiet, too quiet. All i can hear is the soft whirring of the backup drive on my computer and its occasional clicking sound. Have i really had so much sound around me the last few weeks that this is quiet by comparison? I don't think so. Sure when the kids were around, and the dog going crazy it was noisy, but that wasn't 24/7. I can't figure this out at all. Maybe its the same, only with the stark realisation that I'm here and the trip is now history. Whatever the reason I don't like the way it makes me feel and it may actually keep me awake even though I'm exhausted. Gonna try to sleep though.
If I fail, expect to see more here.