Philosophical?

Yesterday I was all philosphical about this new state of "incommunicado".

Today I'm anything but philosophical. Today I'm fighting against injustice. Today I'm crying "Foul!"

We can't do this. We shouldn't be doing this. It's nonsense, and I should never have agreed to it.
I feel a deep sense of injustice that I'm at the mercy of an idea, and an ideal which I am (still) convinced is not born of God. I'm not sure what it is born of. Fear? Insecurity? Driveness? Striving? Selfishness? Controlling? Lack of self control? Independence? Maybe all of them, and none of those things are Godly in my bible.
Yet I let it happen to me, to us. Where is my courage? My boldness? My manliness?
That "idea" has been beating me up emotionally for 1 month. And I still remain unconvinced that there is solid justification for any of this. It began on my trip and it continues now.

I just took a read back through my prayer diary from July, and during that time I had a dream:

"This morning (just a few mins ago) i awoke having had a strange, almost nonsensical dream, which in places was quite disturbing, but I remained open to the possibility that God wanted to say something to me through the dream (I still don't understand the dream fully). There were like two separate scenes, In the first, I witnessed a cruel fight between 2 stray cats - in the fight one cat had maimed the other, so he was already limping and bloody, the injured cat seemed torn between continuing the fight and leaving it. Due to this hesitation, the other cat was now able to get his claws into the skin of the injured cat some more, and ripped some skin fully away from his body. Gross! Finally, beaten, the injured cat returned to his "home" (an old car) to lick his wounds."

Now when I read it I understand it fully and it seems to be exactly what happened!
The two stray cats are her and I. What i haven't mentioned at all in my blog before was the fact that during my trip to visit her I was so badly hurt by her that I seriously considered changing my tickets and coming home about a week early. Instead though I stuck it out (the cat hesitated), and ended up getting hurt even more. I was so beaten, and here I am now back home and still several weeks later licking my wounds. The more I think about this and analyse it the more things I begin to see. Cats are territorial, and thats usually the reason for such fights, and I'm beginning to think that my being there became a threat to her territory... it would explain a lot.

So what happened to the second scene? To be honest until i read this again, I had completely forgotten the second part of the dream. I discarded it as irrelevant at the time. But now I remember it, and its so relevant! In scene two, there is no longer a cat in the car. The same car is still there but it's me who is inside the car, destitute in dirty clothes like a tramp (bum) and scrabbling around in the area where the back seat should be trying to make some kind of bed for myself, to get comfortable. Another thing I haven't mentioned at all is where this was. Its some kind of junkyard and there was something very American about it all, even down to the clothes I was wearing and this old car that I was making a bed in - Some kind of old classic open-top american car from the 40's or 50's. This is all so very spooky...

Oh for the wisdom of Daniel to interpret dreams before they happen...

Before God my heart is pure, yet I feel like I am being severely punished. That's not the God that I know! Am i taking the hit for someone else's sins? Is that what it means to be more like Jesus? My bible says that Jesus has taken the beating for us, that his blood was shed to cover our sin.

This "idea" was supposed to allow us to hear God's voice. Yet I still don't hear Him saying that this "idea" is his. I heard Him very clearly back in July, and this isn't what he said. He said her name in very large letters twice. He said "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another". I didn't hear him say "iron sharpens iron, but please stop you might cut yourself!". He said we have a choice. We chose one another. How can we sharpen one another like this?

"Why, O LORD, do you stand far off?
Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?"
Psalm 10:1

People on the other hand are not hiding nor standing off, yet strangely its not other Christians who are taking the initiative to offer me any comfort or a listening ear. It's old school friends and work colleagues who have no idea whats going on apart from small clues they pick up in FB. How can that be? Does God really have to show me his love through people who don't even know him??? Have we "Christians", with our modern lifestyles and weird ideas of what the church is meant to be, become so wrapped up in our world that non-christians have to do our job?

I may have come home maimed and bleeding, licking my wounds, but I told her before that I would fight for her, and fight I will.