Defiance (Ghosts part 5)

Since my last post, I'm having some moments of clarity.
I was in bed, and settling to read a book. I began to ponder my last blog and all that it contained, and as I did so, I believe that God began to speak. The story of Jonah came to me, and his instruction by God to go to Ninevah. A few days ago I was reminded of the same scriptures, and at that time I thought it was just my own thoughts. Today though was different. Of course its easy in the context of all that's happening in my life to not hear clearly, yet being reminded of this story helps me to understand the sense of injustice I feel, and the way in which everything just isn't adding up. I feel like one of the merchants in the ship which is being tossed around in the storm. A storm caused by Jonah's actions and his running away from God's command. The entire Jonah story has given me a lot of insight and ammunition for prayer.

So regarding my defiance, its all about my "ghosts" - those little reminders of her in my everyday life. On Saturday, she suggested we both get rid of them all, purge ourselves of things which may remind us of one another. Please bear in mind that we both still love each other. At the time I agreed to this new purge. Now however, I have decided not to follow through. I believe with my whole heart that this break-up is not final. It's called Faith (Hebrews 11) and I have it exactly like it says in Hebrews 11.1. I'm sure, sure as the sun sets and will rise again in the morning. I will appreciate these things one day, we both will. But that doesn't mean this is easier when you have faith, in fact I'd argue its harder. It's tested 24/7, and you long to see the end result of that faith, you're tempted to try to make it happen out of frustration and impatience.
In many ways purging yourself of those ghosts is an easy way out. Out of sight - out of mind. At least that's the theory, but when you love someone no amount of purging will help. No-one said this was meant to be easy, and it certainly isn't, but I don't feel right about purging myself of these things as I'm fairly certain I would live to regret it. Sure we will make new memories, and there will be new things, but these old things will be extra precious. A reminder that perseverance pays off. Sadly, one or two of the ghosts have been exorcised already, but it stops here. No more.

Something else happened today, which is a clear sign of something to me. Largely it indicates how much my heart has changed in the last few months. When I first moved to Estonia almost exactly five years ago, I dated a girl named Janika. She was incredibly beautiful, and I became totally taken with her. At that time I was away from God, in just about every possible way the loneliness of being in a foreign country and being alone most of the time, gave me an unquenchable thirst for companionship at any cost. I was addicted to her, and addicted to sex with her. We stopped seeing one-another after about six months, and I was in a mess. That mess took me back to God, and my life began to turn around. Yet, until this summer there wasn't a day that passed without me thinking about her, even though I had had other girlfriends during that time. Sometimes I would still long for her. Since we broke up I saw her only once at a distance about a year and a half ago, and as I watched her drive by still I experienced a sinking feeling, which stayed with me for a few days. Ever day I have to drive to work past her office, and every day I half hoped I would see her.

I remember a few months back while xxxx was here, that as I drove past Janika's workplace with xxxx in my passenger seat, it suddenly dawned on me that I had stopped looking, stopped hoping to see her. I even told xxxx all about that. She knew much of the Janika story already since it was after that when I came back to God and began attending her church.

This afternoon though, I saw Janika again as I was stuck in traffic, and she walked by facing in my direction on the pavement just to the right of my car. She was incredibly pretty, just as I remember, and she was smiling. She didn't see me I think. I had a half open window and I almost called out her name instinctively, like you do when you see someone you know. But I didn't. I didn't want to, nor need to. In fact as she walked by I felt nothing at all. This is a milestone. It indicates that this particular healing process is finally complete. Something i could have never been certain of until the moment I saw her again, and something which wouldn't have happened without xxxx. It felt good, very good.

I got a good deal on some tyres for my car - i think another 100 metres and I would have been driving on rims! One wheel is also out of shape, and that will be replaced tomorrow. I'm peaved at having to spend money, but I'm pleased with the results.

I got an email today from a customer who has owed me money for about a year. He's finally going to pay me tomorrow too!

All in all today has been a great day in stark contrast to yesterday, though the things I posted yesterday I still stand by.

Over and out (Ghosts Part 4)

Today will go down as one of the most surreal days of my entire life.

Severing communications with someone so dear to you is SO HARD! It was a mutual arrangement and neither of us wanted to do it, but we both knew we had to. One final hour long skype call, and here we are. Deleted one another from friends lists in Facebook and Orkut, deleted all those precious text messages that I had saved on my phone. The 'ghosts' (mentioned in previous blogs) which had become my friends will be given up, some thrown away, some passed on to others, but none will be kept as reminders (Phone numbers and addresses have been kept only in case of an emergency).

Why on earth would anyone in their right mind do this?
Its a question thats been on my mind for over a week since we began discussing it, and I had been struggling to find the answer. These are usually the actions of those who hate one another. Yet we feel quite the opposite for one another.

But actually the answer is actually pretty simple. We want to hear God again...
I had 7 days of pure clarity in hearing God, and that was during 7 days of zero contact between us a couple of months ago. Those seven days were the longest 7 days ever, as being out of contact with one another was just so hard. But God also spoke to me more than I have known in my entire life until that point. That week changed me totally!

Since then however, and more specifically since returning from my trip I have not heard from God at all really, and spending time with him has been a struggle. I have done sporadically, but its not been consistent like it had been in the few months before. My thoughts almost 24/7 have been consumed by one person, and that person was not God. That's not how it should be, and the fact that we are apart geographically and will have to be for so long anyway means that such a situation is just not sustainable for an indefinite period of time.

So... what are we doing? We're giving each other up in favour of God. At the same time we are entrusting one another into God's hands. If i think about that for a moment, I just entrusted to God THE most precious thing I had! Its incredibly scary, but we have to learn to trust God to that level. Nothing is acheived without sacrifice of some sort, and for us the sacrifice had to be one another.

Sting sang "If you love someone, set them free". Though I don't particularly like the song, those words suddenly mean so much.

I'll leave you with a few words of my own though. I wrote these lyrics around this time last year and at the time they were not about any specific situation, but now, one year later they are most poignant. I am noticing more and more how God uses lyrics which I have written, to minister to me. It happens too often for it to be coincedence.

If You say so

If You say, say its true
I believe You
and You can beat me black and blue
and I won't leave You
If You say it's time to go, let's go
If You say it's so, it's so
If You say, say it's so

If I give, give it all
What would You do?
Would You give it back to me
though You don't have to?
Would You listen to my words?
Would You?
Would You make it so it's so?
Would You make it, make it so?

© 2008 wearyourheartout

Ghosts part 3

Before you read this, read Ghosts part 1 and part 2, or none of this will make sense.

I'm not afraid of ghosts, in fact I have grown to like them, love them even. I think I should explain why.

The ghosts only seemed to hold any power at all when I was experiencing a sense of loss. For most people when a relationship ends, especially if it ends when you don't want it to, as in you are not the initiator of the ending, or if the ending was ugly, they experience a deep sense of loss, pain and heartache. This loss is usually caused by the fact that you have lost the other person. Logical isn't it? It can also be turned into intense pain by childish immaturity which causes people to be enemies after they break up. This is expressed in anger toward one another for the fact that one of you broke up with the other. Its a defence mechanism. They say the best form of defence is attack, and I guess thats why people do it. It may be true, and it may make it easier to "get over it", but as a christian this method is not appropriate. At times it has been a temptation to follow that old and stupid and childish model, and in many ways it would be easier, but it is certainly not God's way. If you love the person, should your love for them be conditional on you being able to express that love in romanticism or physical affection? No. That's not love at all.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Cor 13:4-7

Nobody said it would be easy (Eph 4:1-3), but someone did tell us very clearly how to love...

Our aim was always to keep our friendship intact. We were best friends before, we were best friends during and we can be best friends after. As long as we believe it's possible, it is possible.

We still sharpen each other, challenge one another to be more christ-like, laugh with one another, share problems with one another. All that's changed is that we are not "with" one another. Yet in a way we are, its just a different way.

So, the list of things which to me were only a short while ago ghosts now simply remind me of my best friend. For that, I endear them, precious, cherished.

Ghosts part.2

The more I blog, the braver I get about what to blog. It may get to the point where I blog deeply personal stuff for the whole world to see. So far I have talked in general terms (by my standards) about many things, but as long as I do that, my blog is limited in the help and encouragement it could be to someone else. I want the blog to help people.

So here it is, the list of ghosts. The things that make my heart sink as I come across them during the course of my day. Anyone else who has been in a similar situation to the one i find myself in will know the feelings evoked when seeing those things connected with the one you love. This may seem like wallowing or self-pity, but its not, its simply part of the grieving process and as my blog description states, I do not hide things.

I have a theory that writing out those things which hurt me or give me feelings of loss might actually be a help in overcoming them. I was going to write it somewhere private, but I figured it makes little difference if i post it, and it may (if my theory works) encourage someone else. Most people's method of handling this is to destroy (or put in a box somewhere) the things connected with the other person. My intention is to learn to live with them. We are not enemies, we're trying to restore our relationship to best friends status just like it was before. Some people say it can't be done, but I know it can, I've done it before. Watch and learn people...

This list is likely to change so i will be updating it as time goes:

• Bottle opener on my keyring (my Ghosts poem should make more sense to everyone now)
  
• toothbrush
• melted candle
• sweatshirt in my closet
• my webcam
• CKin2U
• 12 dried red roses hanging from my curtain rail
• cemetary road
  

Ghosts

So I'm in the airport sat in the lounge by gate 24. I don't know what's up with my phone. Just like it was the whole trip, it still won't give me a network, yet on the way there it did. Very annoying! It makes me nervous, as I may need to make a call soon, and if it doesn't work there it could be a problem.
I successfully escaped talking to anyone on the flight, and strangely I fell asleep whilst watching a second movie. I didn't sleep long, it must have been half an hour maximum, but I slept. We'll see later if such a short sleep is enough to mess up my body clock totally.

On the flight I wrote this. Right now it looks like a poem (which i have been known to write on occasion), but it may become a song sometime.

Ghosts
Spaces where you used to be
now taunting the longings of me
and Pisa doesn't open a bottle
No, Pisa commences the battle
a battle of the mind
where in it I find
its warriors – your ghosts
I'll try not to fear them
but rather endear them
precious
perished
memories
cherished