Defiance (Ghosts part 5)

Since my last post, I'm having some moments of clarity.
I was in bed, and settling to read a book. I began to ponder my last blog and all that it contained, and as I did so, I believe that God began to speak. The story of Jonah came to me, and his instruction by God to go to Ninevah. A few days ago I was reminded of the same scriptures, and at that time I thought it was just my own thoughts. Today though was different. Of course its easy in the context of all that's happening in my life to not hear clearly, yet being reminded of this story helps me to understand the sense of injustice I feel, and the way in which everything just isn't adding up. I feel like one of the merchants in the ship which is being tossed around in the storm. A storm caused by Jonah's actions and his running away from God's command. The entire Jonah story has given me a lot of insight and ammunition for prayer.

So regarding my defiance, its all about my "ghosts" - those little reminders of her in my everyday life. On Saturday, she suggested we both get rid of them all, purge ourselves of things which may remind us of one another. Please bear in mind that we both still love each other. At the time I agreed to this new purge. Now however, I have decided not to follow through. I believe with my whole heart that this break-up is not final. It's called Faith (Hebrews 11) and I have it exactly like it says in Hebrews 11.1. I'm sure, sure as the sun sets and will rise again in the morning. I will appreciate these things one day, we both will. But that doesn't mean this is easier when you have faith, in fact I'd argue its harder. It's tested 24/7, and you long to see the end result of that faith, you're tempted to try to make it happen out of frustration and impatience.
In many ways purging yourself of those ghosts is an easy way out. Out of sight - out of mind. At least that's the theory, but when you love someone no amount of purging will help. No-one said this was meant to be easy, and it certainly isn't, but I don't feel right about purging myself of these things as I'm fairly certain I would live to regret it. Sure we will make new memories, and there will be new things, but these old things will be extra precious. A reminder that perseverance pays off. Sadly, one or two of the ghosts have been exorcised already, but it stops here. No more.

Something else happened today, which is a clear sign of something to me. Largely it indicates how much my heart has changed in the last few months. When I first moved to Estonia almost exactly five years ago, I dated a girl named Janika. She was incredibly beautiful, and I became totally taken with her. At that time I was away from God, in just about every possible way the loneliness of being in a foreign country and being alone most of the time, gave me an unquenchable thirst for companionship at any cost. I was addicted to her, and addicted to sex with her. We stopped seeing one-another after about six months, and I was in a mess. That mess took me back to God, and my life began to turn around. Yet, until this summer there wasn't a day that passed without me thinking about her, even though I had had other girlfriends during that time. Sometimes I would still long for her. Since we broke up I saw her only once at a distance about a year and a half ago, and as I watched her drive by still I experienced a sinking feeling, which stayed with me for a few days. Ever day I have to drive to work past her office, and every day I half hoped I would see her.

I remember a few months back while xxxx was here, that as I drove past Janika's workplace with xxxx in my passenger seat, it suddenly dawned on me that I had stopped looking, stopped hoping to see her. I even told xxxx all about that. She knew much of the Janika story already since it was after that when I came back to God and began attending her church.

This afternoon though, I saw Janika again as I was stuck in traffic, and she walked by facing in my direction on the pavement just to the right of my car. She was incredibly pretty, just as I remember, and she was smiling. She didn't see me I think. I had a half open window and I almost called out her name instinctively, like you do when you see someone you know. But I didn't. I didn't want to, nor need to. In fact as she walked by I felt nothing at all. This is a milestone. It indicates that this particular healing process is finally complete. Something i could have never been certain of until the moment I saw her again, and something which wouldn't have happened without xxxx. It felt good, very good.

I got a good deal on some tyres for my car - i think another 100 metres and I would have been driving on rims! One wheel is also out of shape, and that will be replaced tomorrow. I'm peaved at having to spend money, but I'm pleased with the results.

I got an email today from a customer who has owed me money for about a year. He's finally going to pay me tomorrow too!

All in all today has been a great day in stark contrast to yesterday, though the things I posted yesterday I still stand by.