Defiance (Ghosts part 5)

Since my last post, I'm having some moments of clarity.
I was in bed, and settling to read a book. I began to ponder my last blog and all that it contained, and as I did so, I believe that God began to speak. The story of Jonah came to me, and his instruction by God to go to Ninevah. A few days ago I was reminded of the same scriptures, and at that time I thought it was just my own thoughts. Today though was different. Of course its easy in the context of all that's happening in my life to not hear clearly, yet being reminded of this story helps me to understand the sense of injustice I feel, and the way in which everything just isn't adding up. I feel like one of the merchants in the ship which is being tossed around in the storm. A storm caused by Jonah's actions and his running away from God's command. The entire Jonah story has given me a lot of insight and ammunition for prayer.

So regarding my defiance, its all about my "ghosts" - those little reminders of her in my everyday life. On Saturday, she suggested we both get rid of them all, purge ourselves of things which may remind us of one another. Please bear in mind that we both still love each other. At the time I agreed to this new purge. Now however, I have decided not to follow through. I believe with my whole heart that this break-up is not final. It's called Faith (Hebrews 11) and I have it exactly like it says in Hebrews 11.1. I'm sure, sure as the sun sets and will rise again in the morning. I will appreciate these things one day, we both will. But that doesn't mean this is easier when you have faith, in fact I'd argue its harder. It's tested 24/7, and you long to see the end result of that faith, you're tempted to try to make it happen out of frustration and impatience.
In many ways purging yourself of those ghosts is an easy way out. Out of sight - out of mind. At least that's the theory, but when you love someone no amount of purging will help. No-one said this was meant to be easy, and it certainly isn't, but I don't feel right about purging myself of these things as I'm fairly certain I would live to regret it. Sure we will make new memories, and there will be new things, but these old things will be extra precious. A reminder that perseverance pays off. Sadly, one or two of the ghosts have been exorcised already, but it stops here. No more.

Something else happened today, which is a clear sign of something to me. Largely it indicates how much my heart has changed in the last few months. When I first moved to Estonia almost exactly five years ago, I dated a girl named Janika. She was incredibly beautiful, and I became totally taken with her. At that time I was away from God, in just about every possible way the loneliness of being in a foreign country and being alone most of the time, gave me an unquenchable thirst for companionship at any cost. I was addicted to her, and addicted to sex with her. We stopped seeing one-another after about six months, and I was in a mess. That mess took me back to God, and my life began to turn around. Yet, until this summer there wasn't a day that passed without me thinking about her, even though I had had other girlfriends during that time. Sometimes I would still long for her. Since we broke up I saw her only once at a distance about a year and a half ago, and as I watched her drive by still I experienced a sinking feeling, which stayed with me for a few days. Ever day I have to drive to work past her office, and every day I half hoped I would see her.

I remember a few months back while xxxx was here, that as I drove past Janika's workplace with xxxx in my passenger seat, it suddenly dawned on me that I had stopped looking, stopped hoping to see her. I even told xxxx all about that. She knew much of the Janika story already since it was after that when I came back to God and began attending her church.

This afternoon though, I saw Janika again as I was stuck in traffic, and she walked by facing in my direction on the pavement just to the right of my car. She was incredibly pretty, just as I remember, and she was smiling. She didn't see me I think. I had a half open window and I almost called out her name instinctively, like you do when you see someone you know. But I didn't. I didn't want to, nor need to. In fact as she walked by I felt nothing at all. This is a milestone. It indicates that this particular healing process is finally complete. Something i could have never been certain of until the moment I saw her again, and something which wouldn't have happened without xxxx. It felt good, very good.

I got a good deal on some tyres for my car - i think another 100 metres and I would have been driving on rims! One wheel is also out of shape, and that will be replaced tomorrow. I'm peaved at having to spend money, but I'm pleased with the results.

I got an email today from a customer who has owed me money for about a year. He's finally going to pay me tomorrow too!

All in all today has been a great day in stark contrast to yesterday, though the things I posted yesterday I still stand by.

Philosophical?

Yesterday I was all philosphical about this new state of "incommunicado".

Today I'm anything but philosophical. Today I'm fighting against injustice. Today I'm crying "Foul!"

We can't do this. We shouldn't be doing this. It's nonsense, and I should never have agreed to it.
I feel a deep sense of injustice that I'm at the mercy of an idea, and an ideal which I am (still) convinced is not born of God. I'm not sure what it is born of. Fear? Insecurity? Driveness? Striving? Selfishness? Controlling? Lack of self control? Independence? Maybe all of them, and none of those things are Godly in my bible.
Yet I let it happen to me, to us. Where is my courage? My boldness? My manliness?
That "idea" has been beating me up emotionally for 1 month. And I still remain unconvinced that there is solid justification for any of this. It began on my trip and it continues now.

I just took a read back through my prayer diary from July, and during that time I had a dream:

"This morning (just a few mins ago) i awoke having had a strange, almost nonsensical dream, which in places was quite disturbing, but I remained open to the possibility that God wanted to say something to me through the dream (I still don't understand the dream fully). There were like two separate scenes, In the first, I witnessed a cruel fight between 2 stray cats - in the fight one cat had maimed the other, so he was already limping and bloody, the injured cat seemed torn between continuing the fight and leaving it. Due to this hesitation, the other cat was now able to get his claws into the skin of the injured cat some more, and ripped some skin fully away from his body. Gross! Finally, beaten, the injured cat returned to his "home" (an old car) to lick his wounds."

Now when I read it I understand it fully and it seems to be exactly what happened!
The two stray cats are her and I. What i haven't mentioned at all in my blog before was the fact that during my trip to visit her I was so badly hurt by her that I seriously considered changing my tickets and coming home about a week early. Instead though I stuck it out (the cat hesitated), and ended up getting hurt even more. I was so beaten, and here I am now back home and still several weeks later licking my wounds. The more I think about this and analyse it the more things I begin to see. Cats are territorial, and thats usually the reason for such fights, and I'm beginning to think that my being there became a threat to her territory... it would explain a lot.

So what happened to the second scene? To be honest until i read this again, I had completely forgotten the second part of the dream. I discarded it as irrelevant at the time. But now I remember it, and its so relevant! In scene two, there is no longer a cat in the car. The same car is still there but it's me who is inside the car, destitute in dirty clothes like a tramp (bum) and scrabbling around in the area where the back seat should be trying to make some kind of bed for myself, to get comfortable. Another thing I haven't mentioned at all is where this was. Its some kind of junkyard and there was something very American about it all, even down to the clothes I was wearing and this old car that I was making a bed in - Some kind of old classic open-top american car from the 40's or 50's. This is all so very spooky...

Oh for the wisdom of Daniel to interpret dreams before they happen...

Before God my heart is pure, yet I feel like I am being severely punished. That's not the God that I know! Am i taking the hit for someone else's sins? Is that what it means to be more like Jesus? My bible says that Jesus has taken the beating for us, that his blood was shed to cover our sin.

This "idea" was supposed to allow us to hear God's voice. Yet I still don't hear Him saying that this "idea" is his. I heard Him very clearly back in July, and this isn't what he said. He said her name in very large letters twice. He said "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another". I didn't hear him say "iron sharpens iron, but please stop you might cut yourself!". He said we have a choice. We chose one another. How can we sharpen one another like this?

"Why, O LORD, do you stand far off?
Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?"
Psalm 10:1

People on the other hand are not hiding nor standing off, yet strangely its not other Christians who are taking the initiative to offer me any comfort or a listening ear. It's old school friends and work colleagues who have no idea whats going on apart from small clues they pick up in FB. How can that be? Does God really have to show me his love through people who don't even know him??? Have we "Christians", with our modern lifestyles and weird ideas of what the church is meant to be, become so wrapped up in our world that non-christians have to do our job?

I may have come home maimed and bleeding, licking my wounds, but I told her before that I would fight for her, and fight I will.