Wise man strikes again! Not!
I arrived in Helsinki grabbed my case from baggage reclaim, and headed out of the terminal. Phone is still not working by the way. I quickly changed my remaining $10 into Euros and jumped on the bus into town. I arrived at the central bus station at around 18:00 and started looking for info about where to get a bus to the ferry port. They have signs for an Information Point, and when you get there its closed (useless), and there's little useful information on the walls. So I had no idea where I should have caught the bus from or even what number. So I figured I would walk to the ferry port, after all it didn't look far on the map. Dummy!
The cobbled streets quickly began to take their toll on the wheels of my suitcase and I could feel it becoming harder and harder to pull along. I then realised that one wheel had stopped turning and was rubbing on the case. I bent down to adjust it and almost burned myself it had become so hot. By this time I was also quite lost. I started carrying the case by the handle, but that soon became very tiring as I tried desperately to find a map or some landmark that I might recognise. Then it started to rain... Here was I in jeans and a T-shirt dragging all my luggage in the rain through what kinda started to look like Soho, and I started to feel a little unsafe. I spotted a small slightly scary hotel, went to reception and asked them to call a taxi for me. I finally made it to the port at about 19:30 with my broken wheel and €13,50 less in my pocket. Not good. But I blame Helsinki Station.
Now I'm sitting in the terminal having checked in already, and I have to wait another 1,5hrs before boarding. The terminal is pretty much empty save for a few cleaners and one older couple on the next bench.
I transferred my band's songs to the voice recorder so I can listen to them too now.
I'm officially a zombie. I'm really hungry and I can feel my head starting to spin, and I'm almost falling asleep writing this, even though the bench is really uncomfortable and I sitting totally upright. I'm longing for my bed! But, time to go find food, before I bite someone's head off!
I'm on the ferry, and finally i have internet access!! So here I am adding an entire day's enthusiastic blogging. enjoy.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Hope, Faith and You
I have been here many times before. A relationship doesn't work out and I'm left picking up the pieces of my life to begin again.. I'm tired, overtired of beginning again.
This time though it IS different for a number of reasons.
Firstly, we truly fell in love, we weren't in fantasy land. Marriage seemed a certainty, not simply a remote possibility. We used to say “when we get married” not “if we get married” and it felt good to say it, right to say it. Even now, and even though there are no promises of it, that love hasn't left me, and I hope it never does. I hope it motivates me to be there always, to nurture our friendship even more, to prepare myself to be a great husband, and though I hate to say it, to teach me what perseverance means.
Secondly, its different because of hope. Hope of winning a life long war where previously occasional battles were won, but most were lost. I said I would not give up and I would fight her yet when I said that, this isn't exactly what I meant. But it seems like God is turning my words on me with a hint of irony an a wry smile. This is the fight God meant when I said that. This is hard for me to say, but I know its the truth: I'm not ready to be a husband until I know this war is over and I have won. I thought this war would take place while we were in the relationship, but I can see already that the war couldn't be won that way. The war has to be won whilst its just me and God, so that all my strength comes from him.
Thirdly, my relationship with God is nothing like it has been previously. Its transformed. I remember how it used to be, I'd pretty much only pray when things weren't going “right”. So relationships were one area that would always get prayer, but not really righteous prayer at all. This time its different, I actually have a devotional life!
When I think back to her dream about us following the lion, the war against the dinosaurs who were after us, and her telling me there's something I have which I can't bring with me, I'm certain this is part of it. Some may say it was only a dream, but it came when I was fresh from reading Prince Caspian, and this could almost have been a scene from the book (or film). My current analysis of the dream would go something like this:
We are trying to follow Jesus together, and we're at war. The monsters of old (our 'demons' unbeaten) are coming for us. And I am carrying something which cannot be taken to the place we are going. I need to leave it behind. I will leave it behind.
This time though it IS different for a number of reasons.
Firstly, we truly fell in love, we weren't in fantasy land. Marriage seemed a certainty, not simply a remote possibility. We used to say “when we get married” not “if we get married” and it felt good to say it, right to say it. Even now, and even though there are no promises of it, that love hasn't left me, and I hope it never does. I hope it motivates me to be there always, to nurture our friendship even more, to prepare myself to be a great husband, and though I hate to say it, to teach me what perseverance means.
Secondly, its different because of hope. Hope of winning a life long war where previously occasional battles were won, but most were lost. I said I would not give up and I would fight her yet when I said that, this isn't exactly what I meant. But it seems like God is turning my words on me with a hint of irony an a wry smile. This is the fight God meant when I said that. This is hard for me to say, but I know its the truth: I'm not ready to be a husband until I know this war is over and I have won. I thought this war would take place while we were in the relationship, but I can see already that the war couldn't be won that way. The war has to be won whilst its just me and God, so that all my strength comes from him.
Thirdly, my relationship with God is nothing like it has been previously. Its transformed. I remember how it used to be, I'd pretty much only pray when things weren't going “right”. So relationships were one area that would always get prayer, but not really righteous prayer at all. This time its different, I actually have a devotional life!
When I think back to her dream about us following the lion, the war against the dinosaurs who were after us, and her telling me there's something I have which I can't bring with me, I'm certain this is part of it. Some may say it was only a dream, but it came when I was fresh from reading Prince Caspian, and this could almost have been a scene from the book (or film). My current analysis of the dream would go something like this:
We are trying to follow Jesus together, and we're at war. The monsters of old (our 'demons' unbeaten) are coming for us. And I am carrying something which cannot be taken to the place we are going. I need to leave it behind. I will leave it behind.
Old blighty
The plane sat a while on the runway before a slot was available for us to take-off. During that time I fell asleep. I woke just as the plane began to move again. I'm so tired. As of now I have been awake essentially for over 21hrs straight and travelling for at least 11 of those hours. With tiredness comes a definite change as I begin to battle against memories. Memories of all kinds, along with plenty of “what if” type questions. Even before I boarded the flight and was wandering through the terminal I could sense temptations beginning to well up within me, temptations to return to old vices for comfort. There's an adrenaline rush that accompanies those temptations, and it feels good. It's not good at all, but it feels good, and i guess that's why we humans stumble so often. I resisted entertaining such thoughts but I recognised that they are there (for the first time since our relationship had started) and I am at war.
By the time I reach home I will have been awake for a full 33hrs straight. That's unless I can change my ferry ticket for an earlier one. I'm certainly going to try as a 5hr stop in Helsinki does not appeal AT ALL.
By the time I reach home I will have been awake for a full 33hrs straight. That's unless I can change my ferry ticket for an earlier one. I'm certainly going to try as a 5hr stop in Helsinki does not appeal AT ALL.
Ghosts
So I'm in the airport sat in the lounge by gate 24. I don't know what's up with my phone. Just like it was the whole trip, it still won't give me a network, yet on the way there it did. Very annoying! It makes me nervous, as I may need to make a call soon, and if it doesn't work there it could be a problem.
I successfully escaped talking to anyone on the flight, and strangely I fell asleep whilst watching a second movie. I didn't sleep long, it must have been half an hour maximum, but I slept. We'll see later if such a short sleep is enough to mess up my body clock totally.
On the flight I wrote this. Right now it looks like a poem (which i have been known to write on occasion), but it may become a song sometime.
Ghosts
Spaces where you used to be
now taunting the longings of me
and Pisa doesn't open a bottle
No, Pisa commences the battle
a battle of the mind
where in it I find
its warriors – your ghosts
I'll try not to fear them
but rather endear them
precious
perished
memories
cherished
I successfully escaped talking to anyone on the flight, and strangely I fell asleep whilst watching a second movie. I didn't sleep long, it must have been half an hour maximum, but I slept. We'll see later if such a short sleep is enough to mess up my body clock totally.
On the flight I wrote this. Right now it looks like a poem (which i have been known to write on occasion), but it may become a song sometime.
Ghosts
Spaces where you used to be
now taunting the longings of me
and Pisa doesn't open a bottle
No, Pisa commences the battle
a battle of the mind
where in it I find
its warriors – your ghosts
I'll try not to fear them
but rather endear them
precious
perished
memories
cherished
More freakishness!
We landed and had to wait a while on the runway for a slot so we could go to gate. As we waited I grabbed the in-flight magazine from the seat pocket and began flicking through its pages. As I did so, I stopped at an article named “You Fit Where You Get In”. I don't know what caught my attention exactly, possibly the face of the author. I think he may remind me of someone from my past, but I can't be sure who. I started to read...
I don't really want to rewrite everything he wrote, I'd probably get sued for that. Funny though that reading his article made me happy and excited, when it really should have made me cry. See what I mean about my unpredictable emotions? Anyway, I was so excited about what had happened to me in such a short time that as soon as I was through controls at I called to tell her all about it. Sadly she didn't pick up, and it went to voice-mail. I tried again a little later and still the same.
As I was getting seated on the connecting flight to London, I received a text from a friend saying they all missed me already. That's a nice thought to be leaving with. I too was a little sad that I hadn't got the chance to say a proper goodbye to her two lovely daughters who had added some moments of brightness to my otherwise rather overcast trip.
I'm not feeling great, I can't tell if it's just hot on the plane or if I'm feverish. Because of the change to my flights (I was meant to fly out on a different route, but the flight was cancelled so I'm flying the same route back as I came) I have the unfortunate disadvantage of losing my good seat. Instead I'm in the centre section of a 777. Seat 34F. I'm not looking forward to the long flight, I normally can't sleep on planes at all, and even if I could, in this case it would almost guarantee severe jet-lag – something I can do without..
The people either side of me are Spanish speaking. This could mean little or no conversation for the whole flight, something which usually I'd usually not really want on such a long flight, but on this occasion I'm glad that I probably won't be obliged to converse. That could lead to usually harmless questions which today I don't want to answer. “So why were you on vacation?” “What did you do?” “Did you have a good time?”. There it is again, the need to lie in order to protect the wounded soul. I'd rather not talk at all than have to lie.
Just checked out the movie selection and I'm so glad that The Soloist is there. I missed out on seeing that the other day due to book editing obligations. Settling down to watch, drama begins in the row behind me! Some guy has long legs, obviously too long for the guy in front, who is demanding the man find another seat as his knees are in the other guy's back. While I sympathise with the guy in front, his attitude stinks. I sympathise with the guy behind as I know what its like to have long legs on a cramped flight. People....
We had a period of really bad turbulence where the plane actually had to slow down a lot, I suspect it may have been as we were passing over the hurricane which hit the North American coast yesterday.
More drama. The captain made an announcement to ask if there were any doctors on board, as they had a medical emergency with one of the passengers. Like something from a movie.
The movie (The Soloist) was great, very thought provoking and I can relate to it well. If you haven't seen it, I recommend it highly. Signing off for now, more when I land.
I don't really want to rewrite everything he wrote, I'd probably get sued for that. Funny though that reading his article made me happy and excited, when it really should have made me cry. See what I mean about my unpredictable emotions? Anyway, I was so excited about what had happened to me in such a short time that as soon as I was through controls at I called to tell her all about it. Sadly she didn't pick up, and it went to voice-mail. I tried again a little later and still the same.
As I was getting seated on the connecting flight to London, I received a text from a friend saying they all missed me already. That's a nice thought to be leaving with. I too was a little sad that I hadn't got the chance to say a proper goodbye to her two lovely daughters who had added some moments of brightness to my otherwise rather overcast trip.
I'm not feeling great, I can't tell if it's just hot on the plane or if I'm feverish. Because of the change to my flights (I was meant to fly out on a different route, but the flight was cancelled so I'm flying the same route back as I came) I have the unfortunate disadvantage of losing my good seat. Instead I'm in the centre section of a 777. Seat 34F. I'm not looking forward to the long flight, I normally can't sleep on planes at all, and even if I could, in this case it would almost guarantee severe jet-lag – something I can do without..
The people either side of me are Spanish speaking. This could mean little or no conversation for the whole flight, something which usually I'd usually not really want on such a long flight, but on this occasion I'm glad that I probably won't be obliged to converse. That could lead to usually harmless questions which today I don't want to answer. “So why were you on vacation?” “What did you do?” “Did you have a good time?”. There it is again, the need to lie in order to protect the wounded soul. I'd rather not talk at all than have to lie.
Just checked out the movie selection and I'm so glad that The Soloist is there. I missed out on seeing that the other day due to book editing obligations. Settling down to watch, drama begins in the row behind me! Some guy has long legs, obviously too long for the guy in front, who is demanding the man find another seat as his knees are in the other guy's back. While I sympathise with the guy in front, his attitude stinks. I sympathise with the guy behind as I know what its like to have long legs on a cramped flight. People....
We had a period of really bad turbulence where the plane actually had to slow down a lot, I suspect it may have been as we were passing over the hurricane which hit the North American coast yesterday.
More drama. The captain made an announcement to ask if there were any doctors on board, as they had a medical emergency with one of the passengers. Like something from a movie.
The movie (The Soloist) was great, very thought provoking and I can relate to it well. If you haven't seen it, I recommend it highly. Signing off for now, more when I land.
Leaving on a jet plane
As I sat at gate 79 waiting for my flight to be called, I flipped open my laptop to begin my first blog. During my stay here I have had the privilege of editing a friend's book. Before this trip we had never met, but during my stay we became good friends. She began blogging a few years back, and her blog is now being turned into a book. Its been exciting getting to know someone just by reading their blog, in her case its almost like reading a personal diary, and I think I got to know her pretty well through it. That's where the inspiration to begin blogging came from. I have thought about it many times before, but I've never felt I had anything to say which I could put into words in any coherent manner and quickly, but that was then and this is now.
I pasted the lyrics to my song 'Inside Out' as a preface to my blog as they explain a lot about me as a person. While I played with the blog I connected my new toy (a voice recorder) to my laptop and began transferring MP3s to it (I can also use my new toy as an MP3 player). The only songs in my laptop were a selection of worship songs which I had copied in a hurry right before I left home, plus my own band's recordings. I transferred the worship songs first. My flight was called and I let the transfer complete its last 30 seconds, but I had no time to transfer the band's songs.
I began boarding and as I waited in the line on the bridge I exchanged a few goodbye text messages. This is a highly-charged emotional departure for me. The trip was the antitheses of everything I wanted, everything I had hoped for and dreamed of. I am not even able to answer "yes" honestly if someone were to ask me did I have a good time. I have already been asked this and I lied. The truth was just too painful at that moment, and would only have caused a bunch of probing questions which I did not want to answer and which would have upset me more. Sorry. In one moment I can be fine and happy, in the next I can be in tears, and I have little control over when and how it happens. With me, unexpected things can trigger an outward display of any kind of emotion. I guess that means I'm "Emo", but I'd rather be fully emotional than to have no emotion or worse, to simply bury them. The only reason I see for burying emotions is if you're trying to hide the real you, lying to yourself and everyone else, but in fact people see through it anyway. Its a bad habit I gave up long ago. There was a time when I really had no emotions, when I didn't really "feel" anything about anything. I know that i prefer who I am now.
I took my seat (15F, a window seat) and made myself comfortable, grabbing the book I am half way through reading, pushed my laptop bag under the seat in front of me, turned off my phone and stuffed it in the front pocket of my jeans along with my new toy. I slid open the two window blinds next to me so I could see out. On short flights I love to look at the land below. The seatbelt light came on and we began taxiing toward the runway. I could hear some music quietly in the background and it seemed to be something I recognised, I tuned my ear into the sound and I heard the words "When you're weak He is strong, He can heal your wounded soul and calm the storm inside." The music was coming from my front pocket. Somehow my new toy had turned itself on, and played to me only the words that I needed to hear at that exact moment in time (Sixpence None the Richer – With every breath). Perfect! There's only one source of perfection on the planet. I quickly turned off my toy and pushed it back into my pocket, and a wide grin came across my face as I realised what had just happened, and the pure poetry of it. I think I may have even laughed out loud. I knew it was no coincidence, and I knew I was not alone in my turmoil. Right away I took out my notepad (since the laptop had to be switched off during take-off) and began writing all about it...
I pasted the lyrics to my song 'Inside Out' as a preface to my blog as they explain a lot about me as a person. While I played with the blog I connected my new toy (a voice recorder) to my laptop and began transferring MP3s to it (I can also use my new toy as an MP3 player). The only songs in my laptop were a selection of worship songs which I had copied in a hurry right before I left home, plus my own band's recordings. I transferred the worship songs first. My flight was called and I let the transfer complete its last 30 seconds, but I had no time to transfer the band's songs.
I began boarding and as I waited in the line on the bridge I exchanged a few goodbye text messages. This is a highly-charged emotional departure for me. The trip was the antitheses of everything I wanted, everything I had hoped for and dreamed of. I am not even able to answer "yes" honestly if someone were to ask me did I have a good time. I have already been asked this and I lied. The truth was just too painful at that moment, and would only have caused a bunch of probing questions which I did not want to answer and which would have upset me more. Sorry. In one moment I can be fine and happy, in the next I can be in tears, and I have little control over when and how it happens. With me, unexpected things can trigger an outward display of any kind of emotion. I guess that means I'm "Emo", but I'd rather be fully emotional than to have no emotion or worse, to simply bury them. The only reason I see for burying emotions is if you're trying to hide the real you, lying to yourself and everyone else, but in fact people see through it anyway. Its a bad habit I gave up long ago. There was a time when I really had no emotions, when I didn't really "feel" anything about anything. I know that i prefer who I am now.
I took my seat (15F, a window seat) and made myself comfortable, grabbing the book I am half way through reading, pushed my laptop bag under the seat in front of me, turned off my phone and stuffed it in the front pocket of my jeans along with my new toy. I slid open the two window blinds next to me so I could see out. On short flights I love to look at the land below. The seatbelt light came on and we began taxiing toward the runway. I could hear some music quietly in the background and it seemed to be something I recognised, I tuned my ear into the sound and I heard the words "When you're weak He is strong, He can heal your wounded soul and calm the storm inside." The music was coming from my front pocket. Somehow my new toy had turned itself on, and played to me only the words that I needed to hear at that exact moment in time (Sixpence None the Richer – With every breath). Perfect! There's only one source of perfection on the planet. I quickly turned off my toy and pushed it back into my pocket, and a wide grin came across my face as I realised what had just happened, and the pure poetry of it. I think I may have even laughed out loud. I knew it was no coincidence, and I knew I was not alone in my turmoil. Right away I took out my notepad (since the laptop had to be switched off during take-off) and began writing all about it...
Inside Out
Always good to be yourself
No matter what it takes
Always good to tell the truth
Honesty is no mistake
Never good to hide away
In closet love, or searing pain
Wear your heart inside out
Live your life inside out
Wear your heart inside out
Wear your heart out
Always try to make things right
Even when you feel you can’t
Always try to be the one
To give a helping hand
Never try to change the world
With empty words, or without love
Wear your heart inside out
Live your life inside out
Wear your heart inside out
Wear your heart out
I wrote this song back in 2005 I think. It sets the tone for this entire blog. Most
people who know me will know that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I do not hide emotions,
I don't know how to any more. I say "any more" because either I used to be very good at
it, or maybe I just had none. A lot has changed in 17 years.
No matter what it takes
Always good to tell the truth
Honesty is no mistake
Never good to hide away
In closet love, or searing pain
Wear your heart inside out
Live your life inside out
Wear your heart inside out
Wear your heart out
Always try to make things right
Even when you feel you can’t
Always try to be the one
To give a helping hand
Never try to change the world
With empty words, or without love
Wear your heart inside out
Live your life inside out
Wear your heart inside out
Wear your heart out
I wrote this song back in 2005 I think. It sets the tone for this entire blog. Most
people who know me will know that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I do not hide emotions,
I don't know how to any more. I say "any more" because either I used to be very good at
it, or maybe I just had none. A lot has changed in 17 years.
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