Billy "no mates"

What's the deal? Its not like I don't have friends - I do. But I get to the weekend after a busy working week, and I'm sat here wondering what to do with my weekend. Nothing was planned, and while that can be nice, right now its the last thing I needed.

I got home friday night and started to work on a web project which I put on the back burner a long time ago, even though its been on my heart to do this since about 2006. In Estonia there's an inherent problem with worship songs and their translations. Typically, the same song can be translated many times by different people. The end result is different churches singing different versions, and people wasting lots of time re-inventing the wheel. Its silly, and it only happens because of poor inter-church communication and a lack of any centralised system or resource.

So I am building a website which mission is:

• To provide a great resource for praise and worship song translations.
• To provide a place for translators to publish their translated songs.
• To stop the same song from being translated many times over.
• To provide a method of developing a standard preferred translation for each song.
• To encourage a greater sharing of resources between churches and denominations.
• To recognise good song translation as a gifted and inspired art, not as a linguistics exercise.
• To promote collaboration as an effective method of developing song translation gifting and talent.

I've done quite a lot of work on it and I'm almost ready to launch it, initially as a beta version, and I'll invite a few worship leaders I know to contribute to it too. Lets see what happens...

For anyone interested you can take a look at the test site here.
Feel free to sign up and start contributing, but don't pay too much attention to things not fully working or the lack of content.

The great purge

Purge:

1. To free from impurities; purify.
2. To remove (impurities and other elements) by or as if by cleansing.
3. to clear of imputed guilt or ritual uncleanliness.
4. to clear away or wipe out legally (an offense, accusation, etc.) by atonement or other suitable action.
5. to remove by cleansing or purifying (often fol. by away, off, or out).

Purge is a great word, but its an even greater act.

I'd like to talk about computers for a moment. I bought my first PC in about 1997 it was a Pentium 166 MMX. I was determined that I would not install anything illegal on it. I was naive... Within a few months I had pirated games, music, videos and software on the PC, and I can't say it was a conscious decision. It was simply that everyone else was doing it and slowly but surely I found myself copying others. In retrospect I can look back and see how compromise in one area leads to compromises in others too. Before you know it you're living a compromised life.

Always in the back of my mind has been a niggle that I have to clean up my act as far as computers go. The industry has changed now though. Open source software is now a big thing, as is Linux. For those who don't know - You can do just about everything on a computer with 100% free software. Free software doesn't mean its rubbish software either, there are some really excellent alternatives around. In many cases they are even better! You don't have to buy Windows (though most computers come with it preinstalled), you don't have to buy Microsoft Office, you don't even have to buy Photoshop. In this day and age there is no excuse for using illegal software. Some (particularly charities and churches with little budget) have argued that the cost is just too much, and have justified it on that basis. But now its a different story, and there is not even any justification. In fact the sooner people stop using Pirate software and start using free or Open Source software, the sooner the price of the premium software will become affordable.

So, back to the purge.
I have a new PC. Well, an old new PC donated from work in exchange for the slightly older one I was using before. This was offered on the basis that they can't really afford to pay me overtime, and I do have to work from home occasionally. I have a Windows XP licence on the PC (for the first time).
I was recently challenged by someone to get rid of all my pirated movies, which I have now done. But I have taken the challenge as far as I can. With the clean install on my new (old) PC came the opportunity for a clean start. I backed up all my stuff, deleted from the backup drive all movies, music and software apart from that which is either free or that which I own on CD or DVD.
I now have a 100% legal computer. It feels good. I also have a rubbish bin (trash can) full of CDs and DVDs. That feels good too. Unfortunately my desk is still a mess.

For those who want to follow my example I'll post a list of the software with some guidance on what it does.

Ghosts part 3

Before you read this, read Ghosts part 1 and part 2, or none of this will make sense.

I'm not afraid of ghosts, in fact I have grown to like them, love them even. I think I should explain why.

The ghosts only seemed to hold any power at all when I was experiencing a sense of loss. For most people when a relationship ends, especially if it ends when you don't want it to, as in you are not the initiator of the ending, or if the ending was ugly, they experience a deep sense of loss, pain and heartache. This loss is usually caused by the fact that you have lost the other person. Logical isn't it? It can also be turned into intense pain by childish immaturity which causes people to be enemies after they break up. This is expressed in anger toward one another for the fact that one of you broke up with the other. Its a defence mechanism. They say the best form of defence is attack, and I guess thats why people do it. It may be true, and it may make it easier to "get over it", but as a christian this method is not appropriate. At times it has been a temptation to follow that old and stupid and childish model, and in many ways it would be easier, but it is certainly not God's way. If you love the person, should your love for them be conditional on you being able to express that love in romanticism or physical affection? No. That's not love at all.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Cor 13:4-7

Nobody said it would be easy (Eph 4:1-3), but someone did tell us very clearly how to love...

Our aim was always to keep our friendship intact. We were best friends before, we were best friends during and we can be best friends after. As long as we believe it's possible, it is possible.

We still sharpen each other, challenge one another to be more christ-like, laugh with one another, share problems with one another. All that's changed is that we are not "with" one another. Yet in a way we are, its just a different way.

So, the list of things which to me were only a short while ago ghosts now simply remind me of my best friend. For that, I endear them, precious, cherished.

Why am I doing here, and what?

Yes, you read the title right. It's a little confused and frustrated, and right now so am I.

Here's the deal. My first visit to Estonia was in 1995 - I fell in love with the place, and couldn't help coming here any chance I got. During that time I began asking God about it, I knew I liked it here and of course I could see myself living here - for me. But i really wanted to know what God thought about it. I began praying seriously. One night when I was in Estonia somewhere around Easter time I guess in '98 or '99 I had a dream. Over the years God has spoken to me in dreams, and when I wake up I just KNOW that it was no ordinary dream. This was one of those dreams, and when I woke I realised that I had been spoken to very clearly and that Estonia was where I needed to be. Years passed, and I kept visiting, but no doors were opening for me. Then I realised something. I actually wasn't ready to go. I had debts, and I had some "issues" that really needed to be dealt with.

In earnest I set about preparing myself, clearing debts and dealing with my issues - it was hard work and it took a few years. Finally I reached the point where I had paid off all the money I owed, and I even had some money saved (for the first time in my life). A door opened for me to come here to work with a good friend of mine and I didn't have to think twice. I resigned from my workplace in UK, and in one month I was here. That was in 2004. Then came the big question. "It took me nine years to get here, so now what?" Since then, and in trying to answer that question, I have just been getting stuck into whatever seemed right (and a few things which really weren't), and fulfilling some of my dreams along the way. The overall sense was that I was in the right place, and doing the right thing.

Here's the crunch. Now, having been here five years, my residency due for renewal imminently, I'm feeling just as restless as I was when I was in limbo between knowing I should be in Estonia but having to live with the fact I was still in UK. With a renewed hunger for God and his purposes, I'm dissatisfied, frustrated, and I'm asking BIG questions.

• Am I still where I belong?
• Am i doing what I should be doing?
• If so, why have I seen little or no fruit from my labours?
• If so why am I feeling so restless?
  
• If so, what can I do to be more effective in the expansion of God's kingdom?
• If not, why am I still here?
• If not, where should I be instead?
• If not, what should I be doing instead.

I have only questions, but I have begun asking God for the answers.
But I think these are good questions, ones that we should be asking ourselves regularly...

Someone called me

7:30am a mere 3,5hrs since I got to sleep, I was woken by a phone call (check the last words on my previous blog), and no, it wasn't a wrong number. It was the person I most wanted to hear from. She had just gone to sleep, then woke up with a strong feeling that she should call me. I call that God. We talked for a couple of hours, broken by about 30mins as I read the long email reply to the one I emailed to her right before I left. We also attempted to talk on Skype instead of phone (would have been free), but somewhere during my trip my headset got lost. Makes me wonder what else I lost but haven't discovered yet.

Anyway it was sooooo good to hear from her, and I took a lot of comfort from the fact that she too was finding it tough in much the same way I have been, and having to try to deal with an extreme sense of loneliness. There's a lot more I could say about the conversation but I won't, other than to say it was great, and it was like talking to my best friend again. We had a better conversation than we had during the whole vacation and it felt so good. I got back to sleep around 10am.

Her mum woke me with a phonecall around 1pm. We need to get together to talk soon, but her work schedule is a little strange so we'll see how that pans out. I'd like to talk sooner rather than later.

I was again woken at 2pm by a phonecall from my pastor. We had arranged this Sunday to go to away, but that is now cancelled. I will go to his place this evening so we can catch up. We haven't really had time to talk for a couple of months due to him being away, then me. We have a LOT to talk about.

I wasn't ready for that

I got home from work around 9:30pm after a pretty long day. Checked mail and FB, emailed JS a few times. Cooked myself some pelmeenid, then watched TV for a bit. I began to realise something. There's very little on TV that will actually enrich your life. Sure there's interesting things, but when you're looking for comfort for the soul, or something positive and uplifting, TV will not help you. In fact it makes the soul more restless. I'm seriously considering cancelling my cable contract. Or at least cutting it back to internet only.

Tonight I had a weird experience though, and one that I'm a little afraid to blog, but I'm gonna do it anyway.

I was in bed, had been watching TV and was thinking i should probably put lights out and sleep. But I became intensely aware that I was so alone here, no way for me to contact anyone and no-one contacting me. At times that can be a good thing, but not right now when I need people more than ever. But there was no-one. And it was deeply depressing, and I was being tempted so much to return to old vices. So much so that I actually had to escape my own apartment. At 1:30am I got up, got dressed, grabbed a bible and a notepad, jumped in my car and simply started driving. I had no idea where I was going or where I would end up. My trip took me out o a round trip into the country which lasted about 1,5hrs. Whilst driving I prayed, cried and did a lot of thinking and even praying for my phone to ring. Nothing. I don't think I have ever felt so intensely lonely as I did today. Someone call me...

A welcome intruder

Looking back to yesterday, something dawned on me this morning (that sounds quite poetic). When I woke up after my 13hr sleep i went to the kitchen, made some peanut butter and jam (jelly) on toast, filled a cup with cherry jogurt, and made some coffee. Then i thought to myself "hang on, last night there was no bread, and my fridge was empty". Turns out that Marco (who had been flat sitting for me while I was away) snuck in while I was sleeping and brought some things so I could have breakfast. I'm usually a light sleeper, so this was quite a surprise for me that I didn't wake when someone came into my apartment.

It was really nice of him to do that for me, but it worries me that I didn't wake. My apartment is on ground floor, and pretty easy to break into I guess...