7:30am a mere 3,5hrs since I got to sleep, I was woken by a phone call (check the last words on my previous blog), and no, it wasn't a wrong number. It was the person I most wanted to hear from. She had just gone to sleep, then woke up with a strong feeling that she should call me. I call that God. We talked for a couple of hours, broken by about 30mins as I read the long email reply to the one I emailed to her right before I left. We also attempted to talk on Skype instead of phone (would have been free), but somewhere during my trip my headset got lost. Makes me wonder what else I lost but haven't discovered yet.
Anyway it was sooooo good to hear from her, and I took a lot of comfort from the fact that she too was finding it tough in much the same way I have been, and having to try to deal with an extreme sense of loneliness. There's a lot more I could say about the conversation but I won't, other than to say it was great, and it was like talking to my best friend again. We had a better conversation than we had during the whole vacation and it felt so good. I got back to sleep around 10am.
Her mum woke me with a phonecall around 1pm. We need to get together to talk soon, but her work schedule is a little strange so we'll see how that pans out. I'd like to talk sooner rather than later.
I was again woken at 2pm by a phonecall from my pastor. We had arranged this Sunday to go to away, but that is now cancelled. I will go to his place this evening so we can catch up. We haven't really had time to talk for a couple of months due to him being away, then me. We have a LOT to talk about.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
I wasn't ready for that
I got home from work around 9:30pm after a pretty long day. Checked mail and FB, emailed JS a few times. Cooked myself some pelmeenid, then watched TV for a bit. I began to realise something. There's very little on TV that will actually enrich your life. Sure there's interesting things, but when you're looking for comfort for the soul, or something positive and uplifting, TV will not help you. In fact it makes the soul more restless. I'm seriously considering cancelling my cable contract. Or at least cutting it back to internet only.
Tonight I had a weird experience though, and one that I'm a little afraid to blog, but I'm gonna do it anyway.
I was in bed, had been watching TV and was thinking i should probably put lights out and sleep. But I became intensely aware that I was so alone here, no way for me to contact anyone and no-one contacting me. At times that can be a good thing, but not right now when I need people more than ever. But there was no-one. And it was deeply depressing, and I was being tempted so much to return to old vices. So much so that I actually had to escape my own apartment. At 1:30am I got up, got dressed, grabbed a bible and a notepad, jumped in my car and simply started driving. I had no idea where I was going or where I would end up. My trip took me out o a round trip into the country which lasted about 1,5hrs. Whilst driving I prayed, cried and did a lot of thinking and even praying for my phone to ring. Nothing. I don't think I have ever felt so intensely lonely as I did today. Someone call me...
Tonight I had a weird experience though, and one that I'm a little afraid to blog, but I'm gonna do it anyway.
I was in bed, had been watching TV and was thinking i should probably put lights out and sleep. But I became intensely aware that I was so alone here, no way for me to contact anyone and no-one contacting me. At times that can be a good thing, but not right now when I need people more than ever. But there was no-one. And it was deeply depressing, and I was being tempted so much to return to old vices. So much so that I actually had to escape my own apartment. At 1:30am I got up, got dressed, grabbed a bible and a notepad, jumped in my car and simply started driving. I had no idea where I was going or where I would end up. My trip took me out o a round trip into the country which lasted about 1,5hrs. Whilst driving I prayed, cried and did a lot of thinking and even praying for my phone to ring. Nothing. I don't think I have ever felt so intensely lonely as I did today. Someone call me...
Friday, August 28, 2009
A welcome intruder
Looking back to yesterday, something dawned on me this morning (that sounds quite poetic). When I woke up after my 13hr sleep i went to the kitchen, made some peanut butter and jam (jelly) on toast, filled a cup with cherry jogurt, and made some coffee. Then i thought to myself "hang on, last night there was no bread, and my fridge was empty". Turns out that Marco (who had been flat sitting for me while I was away) snuck in while I was sleeping and brought some things so I could have breakfast. I'm usually a light sleeper, so this was quite a surprise for me that I didn't wake when someone came into my apartment.
It was really nice of him to do that for me, but it worries me that I didn't wake. My apartment is on ground floor, and pretty easy to break into I guess...
It was really nice of him to do that for me, but it worries me that I didn't wake. My apartment is on ground floor, and pretty easy to break into I guess...
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Ghosts part.2
The more I blog, the braver I get about what to blog. It may get to the point where I blog deeply personal stuff for the whole world to see. So far I have talked in general terms (by my standards) about many things, but as long as I do that, my blog is limited in the help and encouragement it could be to someone else. I want the blog to help people.
So here it is, the list of ghosts. The things that make my heart sink as I come across them during the course of my day. Anyone else who has been in a similar situation to the one i find myself in will know the feelings evoked when seeing those things connected with the one you love. This may seem like wallowing or self-pity, but its not, its simply part of the grieving process and as my blog description states, I do not hide things.
I have a theory that writing out those things which hurt me or give me feelings of loss might actually be a help in overcoming them. I was going to write it somewhere private, but I figured it makes little difference if i post it, and it may (if my theory works) encourage someone else. Most people's method of handling this is to destroy (or put in a box somewhere) the things connected with the other person. My intention is to learn to live with them. We are not enemies, we're trying to restore our relationship to best friends status just like it was before. Some people say it can't be done, but I know it can, I've done it before. Watch and learn people...
This list is likely to change so i will be updating it as time goes:
So here it is, the list of ghosts. The things that make my heart sink as I come across them during the course of my day. Anyone else who has been in a similar situation to the one i find myself in will know the feelings evoked when seeing those things connected with the one you love. This may seem like wallowing or self-pity, but its not, its simply part of the grieving process and as my blog description states, I do not hide things.
I have a theory that writing out those things which hurt me or give me feelings of loss might actually be a help in overcoming them. I was going to write it somewhere private, but I figured it makes little difference if i post it, and it may (if my theory works) encourage someone else. Most people's method of handling this is to destroy (or put in a box somewhere) the things connected with the other person. My intention is to learn to live with them. We are not enemies, we're trying to restore our relationship to best friends status just like it was before. Some people say it can't be done, but I know it can, I've done it before. Watch and learn people...
This list is likely to change so i will be updating it as time goes:
- Bottle opener on my keyring (my Ghosts poem should make more sense to everyone now)
- toothbrush
- melted candle
- sweatshirt in my closet
- my webcam
- CKin2U
- 12 dried red roses hanging from my curtain rail
- cemetary road
Food for the soul
Reading Habakkuk, and all seemed hard work and kinda irrelevant when desperately in need of food for the soul.
Then I reached the end:
v:17 -19 says:
"Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls
yet i will rejoice in the Lord
I will be joyful in God my Saviour
The Sovereign Lord is my strength
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer
he enables me to go on the heights"
Those are the words I needed to hear today, food for my soul. I decide to rejoice in the Lord and be joyful in spite of circumstances. He is my strength, and he does enable me to rise above all this. Apart from the obvious (which if you've read the rest of by blogs before this, you will be aware of), I also have almost no money in the bank, almost no food in the fridge, bills to pay, and pay day is over a week away.
Then I reached the end:
v:17 -19 says:
"Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls
yet i will rejoice in the Lord
I will be joyful in God my Saviour
The Sovereign Lord is my strength
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer
he enables me to go on the heights"
Those are the words I needed to hear today, food for my soul. I decide to rejoice in the Lord and be joyful in spite of circumstances. He is my strength, and he does enable me to rise above all this. Apart from the obvious (which if you've read the rest of by blogs before this, you will be aware of), I also have almost no money in the bank, almost no food in the fridge, bills to pay, and pay day is over a week away.
The morning after
I turned off my phone and went to sleep around 2am intending to sleep for as long as my body wanted to. Something I rarely get chance to do, but I figured I needed it, especially as my work had said that i can take a day extra if I'm jet-lagged. I woke, and turned my phone on to check the time and it was 3:15pm which was a surprise. I thought that maybe I'd sleep til 11 or 12 only. So for me there really was no morning today.
Got a text from my mum asking how the trip went etc. Can't reply since phone bill isn't paid.
I'll try to skype them this evening I guess though I don't really want to talk to them as I'm not ready for any interrogations yet.
I suppose I should get up and face the day, what's left of it...
Got a text from my mum asking how the trip went etc. Can't reply since phone bill isn't paid.
I'll try to skype them this evening I guess though I don't really want to talk to them as I'm not ready for any interrogations yet.
I suppose I should get up and face the day, what's left of it...
Home bittersweet home
So I finally made it home, its 1:44am here and I've been awake for around 34hrs (save 30mins on the plane). Its REALLY weird to be home, its quiet, too quiet. All i can hear is the soft whirring of the backup drive on my computer and its occasional clicking sound. Have i really had so much sound around me the last few weeks that this is quiet by comparison? I don't think so. Sure when the kids were around, and the dog going crazy it was noisy, but that wasn't 24/7. I can't figure this out at all. Maybe its the same, only with the stark realisation that I'm here and the trip is now history. Whatever the reason I don't like the way it makes me feel and it may actually keep me awake even though I'm exhausted. Gonna try to sleep though.
If I fail, expect to see more here.
If I fail, expect to see more here.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Hel(l)sinki
Wise man strikes again! Not!
I arrived in Helsinki grabbed my case from baggage reclaim, and headed out of the terminal. Phone is still not working by the way. I quickly changed my remaining $10 into Euros and jumped on the bus into town. I arrived at the central bus station at around 18:00 and started looking for info about where to get a bus to the ferry port. They have signs for an Information Point, and when you get there its closed (useless), and there's little useful information on the walls. So I had no idea where I should have caught the bus from or even what number. So I figured I would walk to the ferry port, after all it didn't look far on the map. Dummy!
The cobbled streets quickly began to take their toll on the wheels of my suitcase and I could feel it becoming harder and harder to pull along. I then realised that one wheel had stopped turning and was rubbing on the case. I bent down to adjust it and almost burned myself it had become so hot. By this time I was also quite lost. I started carrying the case by the handle, but that soon became very tiring as I tried desperately to find a map or some landmark that I might recognise. Then it started to rain... Here was I in jeans and a T-shirt dragging all my luggage in the rain through what kinda started to look like Soho, and I started to feel a little unsafe. I spotted a small slightly scary hotel, went to reception and asked them to call a taxi for me. I finally made it to the port at about 19:30 with my broken wheel and €13,50 less in my pocket. Not good. But I blame Helsinki Station.
Now I'm sitting in the terminal having checked in already, and I have to wait another 1,5hrs before boarding. The terminal is pretty much empty save for a few cleaners and one older couple on the next bench.
I transferred my band's songs to the voice recorder so I can listen to them too now.
I'm officially a zombie. I'm really hungry and I can feel my head starting to spin, and I'm almost falling asleep writing this, even though the bench is really uncomfortable and I sitting totally upright. I'm longing for my bed! But, time to go find food, before I bite someone's head off!
I'm on the ferry, and finally i have internet access!! So here I am adding an entire day's enthusiastic blogging. enjoy.
I arrived in Helsinki grabbed my case from baggage reclaim, and headed out of the terminal. Phone is still not working by the way. I quickly changed my remaining $10 into Euros and jumped on the bus into town. I arrived at the central bus station at around 18:00 and started looking for info about where to get a bus to the ferry port. They have signs for an Information Point, and when you get there its closed (useless), and there's little useful information on the walls. So I had no idea where I should have caught the bus from or even what number. So I figured I would walk to the ferry port, after all it didn't look far on the map. Dummy!
The cobbled streets quickly began to take their toll on the wheels of my suitcase and I could feel it becoming harder and harder to pull along. I then realised that one wheel had stopped turning and was rubbing on the case. I bent down to adjust it and almost burned myself it had become so hot. By this time I was also quite lost. I started carrying the case by the handle, but that soon became very tiring as I tried desperately to find a map or some landmark that I might recognise. Then it started to rain... Here was I in jeans and a T-shirt dragging all my luggage in the rain through what kinda started to look like Soho, and I started to feel a little unsafe. I spotted a small slightly scary hotel, went to reception and asked them to call a taxi for me. I finally made it to the port at about 19:30 with my broken wheel and €13,50 less in my pocket. Not good. But I blame Helsinki Station.
Now I'm sitting in the terminal having checked in already, and I have to wait another 1,5hrs before boarding. The terminal is pretty much empty save for a few cleaners and one older couple on the next bench.
I transferred my band's songs to the voice recorder so I can listen to them too now.
I'm officially a zombie. I'm really hungry and I can feel my head starting to spin, and I'm almost falling asleep writing this, even though the bench is really uncomfortable and I sitting totally upright. I'm longing for my bed! But, time to go find food, before I bite someone's head off!
I'm on the ferry, and finally i have internet access!! So here I am adding an entire day's enthusiastic blogging. enjoy.
Hope, Faith and You
I have been here many times before. A relationship doesn't work out and I'm left picking up the pieces of my life to begin again.. I'm tired, overtired of beginning again.
This time though it IS different for a number of reasons.
Firstly, we truly fell in love, we weren't in fantasy land. Marriage seemed a certainty, not simply a remote possibility. We used to say “when we get married” not “if we get married” and it felt good to say it, right to say it. Even now, and even though there are no promises of it, that love hasn't left me, and I hope it never does. I hope it motivates me to be there always, to nurture our friendship even more, to prepare myself to be a great husband, and though I hate to say it, to teach me what perseverance means.
Secondly, its different because of hope. Hope of winning a life long war where previously occasional battles were won, but most were lost. I said I would not give up and I would fight her yet when I said that, this isn't exactly what I meant. But it seems like God is turning my words on me with a hint of irony an a wry smile. This is the fight God meant when I said that. This is hard for me to say, but I know its the truth: I'm not ready to be a husband until I know this war is over and I have won. I thought this war would take place while we were in the relationship, but I can see already that the war couldn't be won that way. The war has to be won whilst its just me and God, so that all my strength comes from him.
Thirdly, my relationship with God is nothing like it has been previously. Its transformed. I remember how it used to be, I'd pretty much only pray when things weren't going “right”. So relationships were one area that would always get prayer, but not really righteous prayer at all. This time its different, I actually have a devotional life!
When I think back to her dream about us following the lion, the war against the dinosaurs who were after us, and her telling me there's something I have which I can't bring with me, I'm certain this is part of it. Some may say it was only a dream, but it came when I was fresh from reading Prince Caspian, and this could almost have been a scene from the book (or film). My current analysis of the dream would go something like this:
We are trying to follow Jesus together, and we're at war. The monsters of old (our 'demons' unbeaten) are coming for us. And I am carrying something which cannot be taken to the place we are going. I need to leave it behind. I will leave it behind.
This time though it IS different for a number of reasons.
Firstly, we truly fell in love, we weren't in fantasy land. Marriage seemed a certainty, not simply a remote possibility. We used to say “when we get married” not “if we get married” and it felt good to say it, right to say it. Even now, and even though there are no promises of it, that love hasn't left me, and I hope it never does. I hope it motivates me to be there always, to nurture our friendship even more, to prepare myself to be a great husband, and though I hate to say it, to teach me what perseverance means.
Secondly, its different because of hope. Hope of winning a life long war where previously occasional battles were won, but most were lost. I said I would not give up and I would fight her yet when I said that, this isn't exactly what I meant. But it seems like God is turning my words on me with a hint of irony an a wry smile. This is the fight God meant when I said that. This is hard for me to say, but I know its the truth: I'm not ready to be a husband until I know this war is over and I have won. I thought this war would take place while we were in the relationship, but I can see already that the war couldn't be won that way. The war has to be won whilst its just me and God, so that all my strength comes from him.
Thirdly, my relationship with God is nothing like it has been previously. Its transformed. I remember how it used to be, I'd pretty much only pray when things weren't going “right”. So relationships were one area that would always get prayer, but not really righteous prayer at all. This time its different, I actually have a devotional life!
When I think back to her dream about us following the lion, the war against the dinosaurs who were after us, and her telling me there's something I have which I can't bring with me, I'm certain this is part of it. Some may say it was only a dream, but it came when I was fresh from reading Prince Caspian, and this could almost have been a scene from the book (or film). My current analysis of the dream would go something like this:
We are trying to follow Jesus together, and we're at war. The monsters of old (our 'demons' unbeaten) are coming for us. And I am carrying something which cannot be taken to the place we are going. I need to leave it behind. I will leave it behind.
Old blighty
The plane sat a while on the runway before a slot was available for us to take-off. During that time I fell asleep. I woke just as the plane began to move again. I'm so tired. As of now I have been awake essentially for over 21hrs straight and travelling for at least 11 of those hours. With tiredness comes a definite change as I begin to battle against memories. Memories of all kinds, along with plenty of “what if” type questions. Even before I boarded the flight and was wandering through the terminal I could sense temptations beginning to well up within me, temptations to return to old vices for comfort. There's an adrenaline rush that accompanies those temptations, and it feels good. It's not good at all, but it feels good, and i guess that's why we humans stumble so often. I resisted entertaining such thoughts but I recognised that they are there (for the first time since our relationship had started) and I am at war.
By the time I reach home I will have been awake for a full 33hrs straight. That's unless I can change my ferry ticket for an earlier one. I'm certainly going to try as a 5hr stop in Helsinki does not appeal AT ALL.
By the time I reach home I will have been awake for a full 33hrs straight. That's unless I can change my ferry ticket for an earlier one. I'm certainly going to try as a 5hr stop in Helsinki does not appeal AT ALL.
Ghosts
So I'm in the airport sat in the lounge by gate 24. I don't know what's up with my phone. Just like it was the whole trip, it still won't give me a network, yet on the way there it did. Very annoying! It makes me nervous, as I may need to make a call soon, and if it doesn't work there it could be a problem.
I successfully escaped talking to anyone on the flight, and strangely I fell asleep whilst watching a second movie. I didn't sleep long, it must have been half an hour maximum, but I slept. We'll see later if such a short sleep is enough to mess up my body clock totally.
On the flight I wrote this. Right now it looks like a poem (which i have been known to write on occasion), but it may become a song sometime.
Ghosts
Spaces where you used to be
now taunting the longings of me
and Pisa doesn't open a bottle
No, Pisa commences the battle
a battle of the mind
where in it I find
its warriors – your ghosts
I'll try not to fear them
but rather endear them
precious
perished
memories
cherished
I successfully escaped talking to anyone on the flight, and strangely I fell asleep whilst watching a second movie. I didn't sleep long, it must have been half an hour maximum, but I slept. We'll see later if such a short sleep is enough to mess up my body clock totally.
On the flight I wrote this. Right now it looks like a poem (which i have been known to write on occasion), but it may become a song sometime.
Ghosts
Spaces where you used to be
now taunting the longings of me
and Pisa doesn't open a bottle
No, Pisa commences the battle
a battle of the mind
where in it I find
its warriors – your ghosts
I'll try not to fear them
but rather endear them
precious
perished
memories
cherished
More freakishness!
We landed and had to wait a while on the runway for a slot so we could go to gate. As we waited I grabbed the in-flight magazine from the seat pocket and began flicking through its pages. As I did so, I stopped at an article named “You Fit Where You Get In”. I don't know what caught my attention exactly, possibly the face of the author. I think he may remind me of someone from my past, but I can't be sure who. I started to read...
I don't really want to rewrite everything he wrote, I'd probably get sued for that. Funny though that reading his article made me happy and excited, when it really should have made me cry. See what I mean about my unpredictable emotions? Anyway, I was so excited about what had happened to me in such a short time that as soon as I was through controls at I called to tell her all about it. Sadly she didn't pick up, and it went to voice-mail. I tried again a little later and still the same.
As I was getting seated on the connecting flight to London, I received a text from a friend saying they all missed me already. That's a nice thought to be leaving with. I too was a little sad that I hadn't got the chance to say a proper goodbye to her two lovely daughters who had added some moments of brightness to my otherwise rather overcast trip.
I'm not feeling great, I can't tell if it's just hot on the plane or if I'm feverish. Because of the change to my flights (I was meant to fly out on a different route, but the flight was cancelled so I'm flying the same route back as I came) I have the unfortunate disadvantage of losing my good seat. Instead I'm in the centre section of a 777. Seat 34F. I'm not looking forward to the long flight, I normally can't sleep on planes at all, and even if I could, in this case it would almost guarantee severe jet-lag – something I can do without..
The people either side of me are Spanish speaking. This could mean little or no conversation for the whole flight, something which usually I'd usually not really want on such a long flight, but on this occasion I'm glad that I probably won't be obliged to converse. That could lead to usually harmless questions which today I don't want to answer. “So why were you on vacation?” “What did you do?” “Did you have a good time?”. There it is again, the need to lie in order to protect the wounded soul. I'd rather not talk at all than have to lie.
Just checked out the movie selection and I'm so glad that The Soloist is there. I missed out on seeing that the other day due to book editing obligations. Settling down to watch, drama begins in the row behind me! Some guy has long legs, obviously too long for the guy in front, who is demanding the man find another seat as his knees are in the other guy's back. While I sympathise with the guy in front, his attitude stinks. I sympathise with the guy behind as I know what its like to have long legs on a cramped flight. People....
We had a period of really bad turbulence where the plane actually had to slow down a lot, I suspect it may have been as we were passing over the hurricane which hit the North American coast yesterday.
More drama. The captain made an announcement to ask if there were any doctors on board, as they had a medical emergency with one of the passengers. Like something from a movie.
The movie (The Soloist) was great, very thought provoking and I can relate to it well. If you haven't seen it, I recommend it highly. Signing off for now, more when I land.
I don't really want to rewrite everything he wrote, I'd probably get sued for that. Funny though that reading his article made me happy and excited, when it really should have made me cry. See what I mean about my unpredictable emotions? Anyway, I was so excited about what had happened to me in such a short time that as soon as I was through controls at I called to tell her all about it. Sadly she didn't pick up, and it went to voice-mail. I tried again a little later and still the same.
As I was getting seated on the connecting flight to London, I received a text from a friend saying they all missed me already. That's a nice thought to be leaving with. I too was a little sad that I hadn't got the chance to say a proper goodbye to her two lovely daughters who had added some moments of brightness to my otherwise rather overcast trip.
I'm not feeling great, I can't tell if it's just hot on the plane or if I'm feverish. Because of the change to my flights (I was meant to fly out on a different route, but the flight was cancelled so I'm flying the same route back as I came) I have the unfortunate disadvantage of losing my good seat. Instead I'm in the centre section of a 777. Seat 34F. I'm not looking forward to the long flight, I normally can't sleep on planes at all, and even if I could, in this case it would almost guarantee severe jet-lag – something I can do without..
The people either side of me are Spanish speaking. This could mean little or no conversation for the whole flight, something which usually I'd usually not really want on such a long flight, but on this occasion I'm glad that I probably won't be obliged to converse. That could lead to usually harmless questions which today I don't want to answer. “So why were you on vacation?” “What did you do?” “Did you have a good time?”. There it is again, the need to lie in order to protect the wounded soul. I'd rather not talk at all than have to lie.
Just checked out the movie selection and I'm so glad that The Soloist is there. I missed out on seeing that the other day due to book editing obligations. Settling down to watch, drama begins in the row behind me! Some guy has long legs, obviously too long for the guy in front, who is demanding the man find another seat as his knees are in the other guy's back. While I sympathise with the guy in front, his attitude stinks. I sympathise with the guy behind as I know what its like to have long legs on a cramped flight. People....
We had a period of really bad turbulence where the plane actually had to slow down a lot, I suspect it may have been as we were passing over the hurricane which hit the North American coast yesterday.
More drama. The captain made an announcement to ask if there were any doctors on board, as they had a medical emergency with one of the passengers. Like something from a movie.
The movie (The Soloist) was great, very thought provoking and I can relate to it well. If you haven't seen it, I recommend it highly. Signing off for now, more when I land.
Leaving on a jet plane
As I sat at gate 79 waiting for my flight to be called, I flipped open my laptop to begin my first blog. During my stay here I have had the privilege of editing a friend's book. Before this trip we had never met, but during my stay we became good friends. She began blogging a few years back, and her blog is now being turned into a book. Its been exciting getting to know someone just by reading their blog, in her case its almost like reading a personal diary, and I think I got to know her pretty well through it. That's where the inspiration to begin blogging came from. I have thought about it many times before, but I've never felt I had anything to say which I could put into words in any coherent manner and quickly, but that was then and this is now.
I pasted the lyrics to my song 'Inside Out' as a preface to my blog as they explain a lot about me as a person. While I played with the blog I connected my new toy (a voice recorder) to my laptop and began transferring MP3s to it (I can also use my new toy as an MP3 player). The only songs in my laptop were a selection of worship songs which I had copied in a hurry right before I left home, plus my own band's recordings. I transferred the worship songs first. My flight was called and I let the transfer complete its last 30 seconds, but I had no time to transfer the band's songs.
I began boarding and as I waited in the line on the bridge I exchanged a few goodbye text messages. This is a highly-charged emotional departure for me. The trip was the antitheses of everything I wanted, everything I had hoped for and dreamed of. I am not even able to answer "yes" honestly if someone were to ask me did I have a good time. I have already been asked this and I lied. The truth was just too painful at that moment, and would only have caused a bunch of probing questions which I did not want to answer and which would have upset me more. Sorry. In one moment I can be fine and happy, in the next I can be in tears, and I have little control over when and how it happens. With me, unexpected things can trigger an outward display of any kind of emotion. I guess that means I'm "Emo", but I'd rather be fully emotional than to have no emotion or worse, to simply bury them. The only reason I see for burying emotions is if you're trying to hide the real you, lying to yourself and everyone else, but in fact people see through it anyway. Its a bad habit I gave up long ago. There was a time when I really had no emotions, when I didn't really "feel" anything about anything. I know that i prefer who I am now.
I took my seat (15F, a window seat) and made myself comfortable, grabbing the book I am half way through reading, pushed my laptop bag under the seat in front of me, turned off my phone and stuffed it in the front pocket of my jeans along with my new toy. I slid open the two window blinds next to me so I could see out. On short flights I love to look at the land below. The seatbelt light came on and we began taxiing toward the runway. I could hear some music quietly in the background and it seemed to be something I recognised, I tuned my ear into the sound and I heard the words "When you're weak He is strong, He can heal your wounded soul and calm the storm inside." The music was coming from my front pocket. Somehow my new toy had turned itself on, and played to me only the words that I needed to hear at that exact moment in time (Sixpence None the Richer – With every breath). Perfect! There's only one source of perfection on the planet. I quickly turned off my toy and pushed it back into my pocket, and a wide grin came across my face as I realised what had just happened, and the pure poetry of it. I think I may have even laughed out loud. I knew it was no coincidence, and I knew I was not alone in my turmoil. Right away I took out my notepad (since the laptop had to be switched off during take-off) and began writing all about it...
I pasted the lyrics to my song 'Inside Out' as a preface to my blog as they explain a lot about me as a person. While I played with the blog I connected my new toy (a voice recorder) to my laptop and began transferring MP3s to it (I can also use my new toy as an MP3 player). The only songs in my laptop were a selection of worship songs which I had copied in a hurry right before I left home, plus my own band's recordings. I transferred the worship songs first. My flight was called and I let the transfer complete its last 30 seconds, but I had no time to transfer the band's songs.
I began boarding and as I waited in the line on the bridge I exchanged a few goodbye text messages. This is a highly-charged emotional departure for me. The trip was the antitheses of everything I wanted, everything I had hoped for and dreamed of. I am not even able to answer "yes" honestly if someone were to ask me did I have a good time. I have already been asked this and I lied. The truth was just too painful at that moment, and would only have caused a bunch of probing questions which I did not want to answer and which would have upset me more. Sorry. In one moment I can be fine and happy, in the next I can be in tears, and I have little control over when and how it happens. With me, unexpected things can trigger an outward display of any kind of emotion. I guess that means I'm "Emo", but I'd rather be fully emotional than to have no emotion or worse, to simply bury them. The only reason I see for burying emotions is if you're trying to hide the real you, lying to yourself and everyone else, but in fact people see through it anyway. Its a bad habit I gave up long ago. There was a time when I really had no emotions, when I didn't really "feel" anything about anything. I know that i prefer who I am now.
I took my seat (15F, a window seat) and made myself comfortable, grabbing the book I am half way through reading, pushed my laptop bag under the seat in front of me, turned off my phone and stuffed it in the front pocket of my jeans along with my new toy. I slid open the two window blinds next to me so I could see out. On short flights I love to look at the land below. The seatbelt light came on and we began taxiing toward the runway. I could hear some music quietly in the background and it seemed to be something I recognised, I tuned my ear into the sound and I heard the words "When you're weak He is strong, He can heal your wounded soul and calm the storm inside." The music was coming from my front pocket. Somehow my new toy had turned itself on, and played to me only the words that I needed to hear at that exact moment in time (Sixpence None the Richer – With every breath). Perfect! There's only one source of perfection on the planet. I quickly turned off my toy and pushed it back into my pocket, and a wide grin came across my face as I realised what had just happened, and the pure poetry of it. I think I may have even laughed out loud. I knew it was no coincidence, and I knew I was not alone in my turmoil. Right away I took out my notepad (since the laptop had to be switched off during take-off) and began writing all about it...
Inside Out
Always good to be yourself
No matter what it takes
Always good to tell the truth
Honesty is no mistake
Never good to hide away
In closet love, or searing pain
Wear your heart inside out
Live your life inside out
Wear your heart inside out
Wear your heart out
Always try to make things right
Even when you feel you can’t
Always try to be the one
To give a helping hand
Never try to change the world
With empty words, or without love
Wear your heart inside out
Live your life inside out
Wear your heart inside out
Wear your heart out
I wrote this song back in 2005 I think. It sets the tone for this entire blog. Most
people who know me will know that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I do not hide emotions,
I don't know how to any more. I say "any more" because either I used to be very good at
it, or maybe I just had none. A lot has changed in 17 years.
No matter what it takes
Always good to tell the truth
Honesty is no mistake
Never good to hide away
In closet love, or searing pain
Wear your heart inside out
Live your life inside out
Wear your heart inside out
Wear your heart out
Always try to make things right
Even when you feel you can’t
Always try to be the one
To give a helping hand
Never try to change the world
With empty words, or without love
Wear your heart inside out
Live your life inside out
Wear your heart inside out
Wear your heart out
I wrote this song back in 2005 I think. It sets the tone for this entire blog. Most
people who know me will know that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I do not hide emotions,
I don't know how to any more. I say "any more" because either I used to be very good at
it, or maybe I just had none. A lot has changed in 17 years.
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