Looking back to yesterday, something dawned on me this morning (that sounds quite poetic). When I woke up after my 13hr sleep i went to the kitchen, made some peanut butter and jam (jelly) on toast, filled a cup with cherry jogurt, and made some coffee. Then i thought to myself "hang on, last night there was no bread, and my fridge was empty". Turns out that Marco (who had been flat sitting for me while I was away) snuck in while I was sleeping and brought some things so I could have breakfast. I'm usually a light sleeper, so this was quite a surprise for me that I didn't wake when someone came into my apartment.
It was really nice of him to do that for me, but it worries me that I didn't wake. My apartment is on ground floor, and pretty easy to break into I guess...
Friday, August 28, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Ghosts part.2
The more I blog, the braver I get about what to blog. It may get to the point where I blog deeply personal stuff for the whole world to see. So far I have talked in general terms (by my standards) about many things, but as long as I do that, my blog is limited in the help and encouragement it could be to someone else. I want the blog to help people.
So here it is, the list of ghosts. The things that make my heart sink as I come across them during the course of my day. Anyone else who has been in a similar situation to the one i find myself in will know the feelings evoked when seeing those things connected with the one you love. This may seem like wallowing or self-pity, but its not, its simply part of the grieving process and as my blog description states, I do not hide things.
I have a theory that writing out those things which hurt me or give me feelings of loss might actually be a help in overcoming them. I was going to write it somewhere private, but I figured it makes little difference if i post it, and it may (if my theory works) encourage someone else. Most people's method of handling this is to destroy (or put in a box somewhere) the things connected with the other person. My intention is to learn to live with them. We are not enemies, we're trying to restore our relationship to best friends status just like it was before. Some people say it can't be done, but I know it can, I've done it before. Watch and learn people...
This list is likely to change so i will be updating it as time goes:
So here it is, the list of ghosts. The things that make my heart sink as I come across them during the course of my day. Anyone else who has been in a similar situation to the one i find myself in will know the feelings evoked when seeing those things connected with the one you love. This may seem like wallowing or self-pity, but its not, its simply part of the grieving process and as my blog description states, I do not hide things.
I have a theory that writing out those things which hurt me or give me feelings of loss might actually be a help in overcoming them. I was going to write it somewhere private, but I figured it makes little difference if i post it, and it may (if my theory works) encourage someone else. Most people's method of handling this is to destroy (or put in a box somewhere) the things connected with the other person. My intention is to learn to live with them. We are not enemies, we're trying to restore our relationship to best friends status just like it was before. Some people say it can't be done, but I know it can, I've done it before. Watch and learn people...
This list is likely to change so i will be updating it as time goes:
- Bottle opener on my keyring (my Ghosts poem should make more sense to everyone now)
- toothbrush
- melted candle
- sweatshirt in my closet
- my webcam
- CKin2U
- 12 dried red roses hanging from my curtain rail
- cemetary road
Food for the soul
Reading Habakkuk, and all seemed hard work and kinda irrelevant when desperately in need of food for the soul.
Then I reached the end:
v:17 -19 says:
"Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls
yet i will rejoice in the Lord
I will be joyful in God my Saviour
The Sovereign Lord is my strength
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer
he enables me to go on the heights"
Those are the words I needed to hear today, food for my soul. I decide to rejoice in the Lord and be joyful in spite of circumstances. He is my strength, and he does enable me to rise above all this. Apart from the obvious (which if you've read the rest of by blogs before this, you will be aware of), I also have almost no money in the bank, almost no food in the fridge, bills to pay, and pay day is over a week away.
Then I reached the end:
v:17 -19 says:
"Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls
yet i will rejoice in the Lord
I will be joyful in God my Saviour
The Sovereign Lord is my strength
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer
he enables me to go on the heights"
Those are the words I needed to hear today, food for my soul. I decide to rejoice in the Lord and be joyful in spite of circumstances. He is my strength, and he does enable me to rise above all this. Apart from the obvious (which if you've read the rest of by blogs before this, you will be aware of), I also have almost no money in the bank, almost no food in the fridge, bills to pay, and pay day is over a week away.
The morning after
I turned off my phone and went to sleep around 2am intending to sleep for as long as my body wanted to. Something I rarely get chance to do, but I figured I needed it, especially as my work had said that i can take a day extra if I'm jet-lagged. I woke, and turned my phone on to check the time and it was 3:15pm which was a surprise. I thought that maybe I'd sleep til 11 or 12 only. So for me there really was no morning today.
Got a text from my mum asking how the trip went etc. Can't reply since phone bill isn't paid.
I'll try to skype them this evening I guess though I don't really want to talk to them as I'm not ready for any interrogations yet.
I suppose I should get up and face the day, what's left of it...
Got a text from my mum asking how the trip went etc. Can't reply since phone bill isn't paid.
I'll try to skype them this evening I guess though I don't really want to talk to them as I'm not ready for any interrogations yet.
I suppose I should get up and face the day, what's left of it...
Home bittersweet home
So I finally made it home, its 1:44am here and I've been awake for around 34hrs (save 30mins on the plane). Its REALLY weird to be home, its quiet, too quiet. All i can hear is the soft whirring of the backup drive on my computer and its occasional clicking sound. Have i really had so much sound around me the last few weeks that this is quiet by comparison? I don't think so. Sure when the kids were around, and the dog going crazy it was noisy, but that wasn't 24/7. I can't figure this out at all. Maybe its the same, only with the stark realisation that I'm here and the trip is now history. Whatever the reason I don't like the way it makes me feel and it may actually keep me awake even though I'm exhausted. Gonna try to sleep though.
If I fail, expect to see more here.
If I fail, expect to see more here.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Hel(l)sinki
Wise man strikes again! Not!
I arrived in Helsinki grabbed my case from baggage reclaim, and headed out of the terminal. Phone is still not working by the way. I quickly changed my remaining $10 into Euros and jumped on the bus into town. I arrived at the central bus station at around 18:00 and started looking for info about where to get a bus to the ferry port. They have signs for an Information Point, and when you get there its closed (useless), and there's little useful information on the walls. So I had no idea where I should have caught the bus from or even what number. So I figured I would walk to the ferry port, after all it didn't look far on the map. Dummy!
The cobbled streets quickly began to take their toll on the wheels of my suitcase and I could feel it becoming harder and harder to pull along. I then realised that one wheel had stopped turning and was rubbing on the case. I bent down to adjust it and almost burned myself it had become so hot. By this time I was also quite lost. I started carrying the case by the handle, but that soon became very tiring as I tried desperately to find a map or some landmark that I might recognise. Then it started to rain... Here was I in jeans and a T-shirt dragging all my luggage in the rain through what kinda started to look like Soho, and I started to feel a little unsafe. I spotted a small slightly scary hotel, went to reception and asked them to call a taxi for me. I finally made it to the port at about 19:30 with my broken wheel and €13,50 less in my pocket. Not good. But I blame Helsinki Station.
Now I'm sitting in the terminal having checked in already, and I have to wait another 1,5hrs before boarding. The terminal is pretty much empty save for a few cleaners and one older couple on the next bench.
I transferred my band's songs to the voice recorder so I can listen to them too now.
I'm officially a zombie. I'm really hungry and I can feel my head starting to spin, and I'm almost falling asleep writing this, even though the bench is really uncomfortable and I sitting totally upright. I'm longing for my bed! But, time to go find food, before I bite someone's head off!
I'm on the ferry, and finally i have internet access!! So here I am adding an entire day's enthusiastic blogging. enjoy.
I arrived in Helsinki grabbed my case from baggage reclaim, and headed out of the terminal. Phone is still not working by the way. I quickly changed my remaining $10 into Euros and jumped on the bus into town. I arrived at the central bus station at around 18:00 and started looking for info about where to get a bus to the ferry port. They have signs for an Information Point, and when you get there its closed (useless), and there's little useful information on the walls. So I had no idea where I should have caught the bus from or even what number. So I figured I would walk to the ferry port, after all it didn't look far on the map. Dummy!
The cobbled streets quickly began to take their toll on the wheels of my suitcase and I could feel it becoming harder and harder to pull along. I then realised that one wheel had stopped turning and was rubbing on the case. I bent down to adjust it and almost burned myself it had become so hot. By this time I was also quite lost. I started carrying the case by the handle, but that soon became very tiring as I tried desperately to find a map or some landmark that I might recognise. Then it started to rain... Here was I in jeans and a T-shirt dragging all my luggage in the rain through what kinda started to look like Soho, and I started to feel a little unsafe. I spotted a small slightly scary hotel, went to reception and asked them to call a taxi for me. I finally made it to the port at about 19:30 with my broken wheel and €13,50 less in my pocket. Not good. But I blame Helsinki Station.
Now I'm sitting in the terminal having checked in already, and I have to wait another 1,5hrs before boarding. The terminal is pretty much empty save for a few cleaners and one older couple on the next bench.
I transferred my band's songs to the voice recorder so I can listen to them too now.
I'm officially a zombie. I'm really hungry and I can feel my head starting to spin, and I'm almost falling asleep writing this, even though the bench is really uncomfortable and I sitting totally upright. I'm longing for my bed! But, time to go find food, before I bite someone's head off!
I'm on the ferry, and finally i have internet access!! So here I am adding an entire day's enthusiastic blogging. enjoy.
Hope, Faith and You
I have been here many times before. A relationship doesn't work out and I'm left picking up the pieces of my life to begin again.. I'm tired, overtired of beginning again.
This time though it IS different for a number of reasons.
Firstly, we truly fell in love, we weren't in fantasy land. Marriage seemed a certainty, not simply a remote possibility. We used to say “when we get married” not “if we get married” and it felt good to say it, right to say it. Even now, and even though there are no promises of it, that love hasn't left me, and I hope it never does. I hope it motivates me to be there always, to nurture our friendship even more, to prepare myself to be a great husband, and though I hate to say it, to teach me what perseverance means.
Secondly, its different because of hope. Hope of winning a life long war where previously occasional battles were won, but most were lost. I said I would not give up and I would fight her yet when I said that, this isn't exactly what I meant. But it seems like God is turning my words on me with a hint of irony an a wry smile. This is the fight God meant when I said that. This is hard for me to say, but I know its the truth: I'm not ready to be a husband until I know this war is over and I have won. I thought this war would take place while we were in the relationship, but I can see already that the war couldn't be won that way. The war has to be won whilst its just me and God, so that all my strength comes from him.
Thirdly, my relationship with God is nothing like it has been previously. Its transformed. I remember how it used to be, I'd pretty much only pray when things weren't going “right”. So relationships were one area that would always get prayer, but not really righteous prayer at all. This time its different, I actually have a devotional life!
When I think back to her dream about us following the lion, the war against the dinosaurs who were after us, and her telling me there's something I have which I can't bring with me, I'm certain this is part of it. Some may say it was only a dream, but it came when I was fresh from reading Prince Caspian, and this could almost have been a scene from the book (or film). My current analysis of the dream would go something like this:
We are trying to follow Jesus together, and we're at war. The monsters of old (our 'demons' unbeaten) are coming for us. And I am carrying something which cannot be taken to the place we are going. I need to leave it behind. I will leave it behind.
This time though it IS different for a number of reasons.
Firstly, we truly fell in love, we weren't in fantasy land. Marriage seemed a certainty, not simply a remote possibility. We used to say “when we get married” not “if we get married” and it felt good to say it, right to say it. Even now, and even though there are no promises of it, that love hasn't left me, and I hope it never does. I hope it motivates me to be there always, to nurture our friendship even more, to prepare myself to be a great husband, and though I hate to say it, to teach me what perseverance means.
Secondly, its different because of hope. Hope of winning a life long war where previously occasional battles were won, but most were lost. I said I would not give up and I would fight her yet when I said that, this isn't exactly what I meant. But it seems like God is turning my words on me with a hint of irony an a wry smile. This is the fight God meant when I said that. This is hard for me to say, but I know its the truth: I'm not ready to be a husband until I know this war is over and I have won. I thought this war would take place while we were in the relationship, but I can see already that the war couldn't be won that way. The war has to be won whilst its just me and God, so that all my strength comes from him.
Thirdly, my relationship with God is nothing like it has been previously. Its transformed. I remember how it used to be, I'd pretty much only pray when things weren't going “right”. So relationships were one area that would always get prayer, but not really righteous prayer at all. This time its different, I actually have a devotional life!
When I think back to her dream about us following the lion, the war against the dinosaurs who were after us, and her telling me there's something I have which I can't bring with me, I'm certain this is part of it. Some may say it was only a dream, but it came when I was fresh from reading Prince Caspian, and this could almost have been a scene from the book (or film). My current analysis of the dream would go something like this:
We are trying to follow Jesus together, and we're at war. The monsters of old (our 'demons' unbeaten) are coming for us. And I am carrying something which cannot be taken to the place we are going. I need to leave it behind. I will leave it behind.
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